The first step.

Today is the first step of many in my healing process.  I have had journals or diaries in the past, but have found my love for writing to be far less to keep up with. 
I have had traumatic experiences in my life that I am sure others can relate to in many ways.  Sometimes, relate to more. 
For starters, I am a sexual abuse victim.  My ex step-father is the culprit of this tragedy.  Today, I am stronger and more suitable for the harsh conditions of the world however, if I could, I would take it all back.  It has a way of leaving a person to feel unwanted and also, unable to predict or fear what will happen next. 
As much as I would like to say that one day I will be over it, there is a part of me that knows that this will carry on long after I am gone.  
Everyday there are men and women, children, babies and even animals that are subject to the harshness of sexual abuse.  I not only survived, but I became the person this monster said I would never be.  I accomplished the feats he said I could never accomplish.  And I loved, continued to be loved by and am loved by a man he said would never want me. 

Everyday is a struggle and a thread of “why me’s”.  Everyday, I am left wondering at what my life could have been without the horrors so many of us go through.  Everyday however, is a step to the next one. 
I have many different ways of coping and am still finding out new ways daily.  I finally took the initial step to seeking help and contacting the appropriate persons.  After almost 7 years of tasting freedom, I uphold it. 
In 2011, I enlisted in the United States Army.  Almost five years into my contract, I am a new and perfectly rounded Soldier.  I have my flaws, like most, but unlike most, I do not let them best or belittle me. 
I enjoy the Military life.  Not only what it has done for me, but what I have done for it.  Each and every day is a challenge and although I am not active duty anymore, I am still a Soldier/Military Member.  Something He said I could never amount to being as though he also served. 
Prior to moving back home, I was in a Technical School for Culinary Arts.  He was also the reason I attempted and succeeded at being accepted.  Although I did not graduate from the school or class, I still have a sense of pride about me knowing that I once again, bested his ideals of amounting to nothing in my life.

Today, I am a Specialist in the United States Army Reserves as a Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear Operations Specialist, have a steady and reliable job as a respected Security Officer, am planning on attending Penn Foster Online College to obtain my Associates Degree (for starters) as a Veterinary Technician.  I also have a loving boyfriend, future Husband of which has been my support system and steeping stone for my future aspirations and dreams.  We have a beautiful apartment that we have lived in for almost a year, a beautiful cat named Little Miss and a beautiful dog named Sergeant Baxter who lives with my Mother.

My Mother and my relationship did suffer after which she found out what was actually happening with Him.  As the years drew out, we became closer.  The closer we got, the more I realized that she is the person I would like to become.  She is the person I need to continue to impress and amount to in my life.  While my Mother never graduated High School, she has still accomplished more in her life than I can say for most.
Raising four children on her own is a pretty spectacular feat. 
My Mother is my go-to support system when anything comes into play that I feel more comfortable accounting for with her, rather than my boyfriend.

My relationship also suffered with my siblings.  My sister, L ran away and decided to live with her Father for the last few years before moving back and having her daughter, Candice.  L was my best friend when she was still living at home.  For a long time, I blamed her for what happened between me and Him. 
Finally, I came to the realization that it wasn’t her.  It would not have helped the situation if she were there or if she were the one being abused mentally, physically and emotionally.   If anything, it would have destroyed her and not accounted for the wonderful sister, Mother and wife she is today.

My eldest sister A on the other hand is a bugger.
We were what you would expect out of a sister-to-sister bond until…

She moved out of her apartment and back in with my Mother after she found out she was pregnant.  She left her life of being an adult to mooch off of my Mother, her boyfriend and now soon-to-be Husband and also, my younger brother, M. 
I understand that having a child effects generally everything you know of being an adult however, to watch your 21-year old sister (myself) move out of the house and take the initial steps into becoming a responsible, hard working adult, I would have thought that it would be an inclination to do something more with her adult life as a 28 year old. 
Things since then, almost a year ago, have deteriorated. 
Half the time, I do not wish to speak to her nor have anything to do with her boyfriend, A.  Then again, no one in the family wishes to have anything to do with him. 
He, a 30 year old man, still lives with his Mother and Father and also, mooches as much as he can off of them.  He is also a cause for concern when it comes to my sister and her daughters happiness. 
From what I understand, he does nothing but argues and whines when he is with her and his daughter.  An unhealthy relationship by my standards. 

He also had a thing for me for a long time, no matter how many times my sister tries to deny it being true.  I am not the only one who thinks such a thing either. 

Getting on to the last portion of this entry, my little brother, M.

M is a good boy.  He works hard in school to keep his grades up, commits to anything he tries and just outsmarts us all with his witty comments. 
In the beginning, M and I had an awful relationship.  He, along with myself, my sisters and my Mother endured the emotional and physical side of his torment.  I being the only one who experienced the sexual abuse portion. 
M has taken an immense amount of responsibility for a Junior in High School.  Though he is very secretive with most things he does, we have hopes that it is due to the hormones of a 17-year old boy in High School.
Ever since I moved out of my Mothers house, M being the reason behind it, our relationship has gradually improved.  Though we do not talk often, every time I go to see my family he is always chatting away with me. 
My little brother was the reason I was able to make it through Basic Combat Training with the Army. 
When he caught wind that I was going to attempted to get discharged, he wrote me a letter telling me not to give up.  That I would never be able to look at myself the same if I did.  A letter I still have to this day, almost 5 years later. 
Without him, I would not be the person I am and for that, I am thankful.

Even though I have been through haunting treatments, I believe that after them all, I came out on top.  I came out the winner. 

Although it is challenging and sometimes, more than we can bare, I believe that we always come out stronger than when we went in.

It is a daily occurrence of attempting to fight off the “monsters” that continue to creep up in my head, reminding me of those dreadful days.   I still have to get up out of bed, go to work, be a loving spouse, daughter and sister, not to mention Mother of my animals and it helps drain out the memories for while.  It is the silence that overcomes and reinstates it all.  Almost as if it presses a reset button in my mind each night to remind me of what I have been through. 

Anyways, thank you for listening and as always, for allowing some of the weight off of my shoulders. 

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