First journal. I just really need a place to get stuff of my chest. There’s alot of shit going on and sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone I can really confide in. I just sort of exist around campus, doing the “normal” things that don’t interest me at all, struggling through exams, playing games. Sometimes though, I just feel like no one is listening and I’m alone and there is no reason to be around anymore. And then I think, “No, you’re just being a quivering pussy, get over it, move on, keep doing ‘normal’ things” but at the same time it’s like no, I’m sick of doing “normal” things, I just want a bit of happiness, is that too much to ask you fuck?!
Like, shit. I don’t find anything fun anymore. There’s a girl I am obsessed with who I know is beyond my reach. She’s not even that pretty or hot by the “usual standard”, but her personality and her shortness and her outgoingness and just everything about her makes my heart beat every time I see her. She plays tennis, but also plays league of legends, she dyes her hair purple, she has the cutest laugh, she’s good at math, she’s doing the same major as me, she’s into anime. I just wish we could share something together, even for a little while. But what am I? Introverted, overweight, quiet, an asshole when no one is looking, I play games that no one else plays, I don’t have the patience to watch anime. She makes friends with guys, I make friends with no one. She comes from out of state, I’m in state. I don’t know if she’s taken. I know that even if by some miracle of nature I could have her or she was interested in me or something happened between us, my parents would rain death upon me for even interacting with her alot. And I can’t stand it. It’s literately tearing me up.
But that’s fine, you know. I’m pretty in control of my emotions. I can keep it down. People will still think that I’m calm and collected and intelligent and cool and quiet but sometimes it’s like fuck no, I just want someone to relate to, someone to talk to, someone who can tell me that I’m normal and that everything that I’m feeling is normal and that everything is ok and just please make me believe everything is ok because I fucking know that it’s not.
And it’s not just her, you know? There’s so much other shit. I’ve lost my faith. Or at least, I’m losing it. And I don’t want to lose it, or at least, I don’t think I want to lose it, like I don’t know anymore. I don’t have anyone to confide in, not even my parents. The person I was closest to is my sister and she’s gone off on a six month trip. But even if she was still around, I still couldn’t confide in her. I can’t confide in anyone. Every time I try, the moment I think about doing it the more I start being afraid that I’m going to be judged or hated or people are going to lie to me or I’m going to end up lying to them trying to look better than I really am which I’m not, which doesn’t actually matter since I’ve been lying to everyone from the start. I’m not faithful. I’m not smart. I’m not nice. I’m not calm. I’m not collected. I’m not what you fucking think I am, but God forbid anyone find out because once you do, even if you’re understanding or kind to me I’m still going to hate myself. I’m going to hate my body, I’m going to hate that I shared the deepest things about me to strangers, I’m going to hate lying. fuck.
So yeah. First journal. I just want to know that someone is listening. I think that maybe if I see that someone sees this I’ll feel a bit better. Because at the moment, it’s 3 am, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Nothing is worth doing. I don’t even believe that suicide is worthwhile. I have logically told myself, or at least I think I have, that there is no point in suicide. So I’ll be fine. Really. I just need a place to get stuff off my chest. Or heart. Or mind or whatever.
Take care of yourself, ok?