Shot day was Thursday.  Friday at work was just ok BUT SATURDAY was the real KILLER.  I made it, barely and with lots of sit down breaks that really don’t help but I was completely and totally exhausted when I got home.  I cried.  My legs hurt and were shaking and Dot told me that the halos I’m seeing in front of my eyes are also normal and can be expected.  It’s like being in a fog. 

 It is now Easter morning so maybe a time for a bit of reflection.  Plan on making some deviled eggs and Crackle Barrel cheesey hashbrown potato casserole.  The husband is making the ham and some candied carrots and sweet potatoes.  Yum.  I’m really tired and plan on spending most of my day in bed.  Not fun I know especially on this absolutely beautiful day but I’ve got to recuperate my body.  Thanks to the husband for getting me the hand creams.  My skin is really DRY and painful.

Spring.  I love spring and Easter.  Except this one is early and reminds me of the year my grandmother died.  Easter Monday morning during the night in her sleep heart attack I think.  Wow was that hard.  I didn’t come to see you.  Too busy and greedy with my life.  I was the most important one but did you make me that way?  Royalty.  Treated me like royalty.  To this day I would feel at home with the queen.  I would know exactly what to do.  How to handle her teas and everything.  Crazy but it was YOU who taught me how to act in this world.  I remember the envelope I found addressed to you return address was the White House.  Wow did you know the president?  I don’t think so.  Probably some general letter but from the White House.  Really?  Your parties-  always dressed to perfection.  Matching EVERYTHING.  Always match  very important.  Went shopping most every weekend.  And always something for ME.  After all it was always about ME.  Saw you in your white formal gowns.  You never got to see the new hospital.  You did so much for the old one but never truly got the credit you deserved.  Pissed me off later.  Did you like the green outfit mom picked out for you to be laid out in?  I can still picture you in it lying there ever so perfect.  Your hair was perfection.  Sorry I called you a witch when I saw you with your hair down that one time.  I didn’t mean it that way and I felt so  bad when I saw how it hurt you.  Church EVERY Sunday.  9:00.  Even in deep snow we would walk down the hill.  Parked same spot, sat same seat.  Separate us kids so we don’t goof off.  Sit up and don’t giggle.  The dreaded church giggles.  Once I tried to make friends with a fly in church.  Hat, white gloves – clean white gloves.  Remember DJ in elementary school took my gloves.  I was upset.  Mom, well I can’t remember what she did  but maybe she needed them more than me.    I know you said that.  I think you even said I’ll get her more if she needs them.  The avenues, yes that was what we called it.  Not far.  Rode my bike there later on.  This glove issue was one of my first life traumas I remember.  You kept most traumas away from me.  I have had many since then.  Since you haven’t been able to protect me anymore. 


Let me explain here just briefly for those out there wondering about all this.  Philosophy time.  What is life?  A group of memories.  All of them living out there, you know traveling the speed of light and all.  They aren’t gone  from you UNTIL something triggers one and you wonder where in the hell did that thought come from.  When we die do we travel in this speed of light too.  Is that our heaven or our hell.  Remeeting up reliving these memories.  Sometimes a memory comes back too quickly as if in a dream and we can’t quite catch it.  Truly remember it and all.  Wow if only I could remember.  Confession.  The Catholic confession.  Been there many times as a kid.  Always said the same thing.  Bless me Father for I have sinned.  Its  been 6 weeks since my last confession.  I lied, I fight with my brothers and that’s all Father.  For your penance say 5 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys.  Say an Act of Contrition.  Sorry folks can’t remember it.  Used to know All those prayers and the whole Mass off by heart.  Church was a major part of our lives.  Every Holy Day, even ones that weren’t a sin if you missed like May Crowning.  Were you disappointed that I would never be May Queen.  It was only for the Catholic school girls.  But when the girl next door got it.  Did that bother you.  If it did you never let me know.  Easter pictures in front of the azalea bush.  It was beautiful.  Real big.  Never truly appreciated your talent for growing flowers no all your many talents.  Cooking, crocheting, sewing.  I have your sewing machine.  I have mom’s too.  If I needed costumes it was you who made them.  Dance costumes, play costumes.  The sleeves on that dress you like are too short then let’s add some lace.  I have all your spools of unused thread.  So many colors.  How many things came out of your sewing machine since you have been gone?  ZERO.  Yes sewing is not one of my talents.  I’m not even good at hemming.  To be honest I hate sewing and now with my bad eye I can’t even thread a needle to do a button.  A lowsy stupid button.   The husband would frequently want me to create miracles with a hole in a pair of pants. But there is nothing there to sew I would say.  If it were you, you would be able to create something out of nothing.  My favorite color is now yellow.  Yellow like the sun.  Yellow equals warmth.  Remember how I would always be cold.  Think yellow.  I would like to run in a field of daffodils.  I have daffodils that come up every spring.  They live under the 200+ year old oak tree.  Their little yellow heads are poking out today.  Was riding home from Pittsburgh today and saw some cows.  You don’t know what wifi is but a commercial is proud to say its new car is wifi equipped.  These kids nowadays are so busy looking DOWN  at a screen when they are in the back seat on a drive they don’t know what they are missing.  Count the cows on your side 1, 2, 3 I have 10 cows.  Wait there is one behind the barn that makes 11.  Look for this kind of car.  See how many you can see between here and there.  Cars today why they all look the same.  You wanted a Corvair and Pap Pap wouldn’t let you get one.  Said it was too small and could be dangerous.  This was before seat belts and air bags.  We called it a pancake car.  BL got one for his first car in high school.  A yellow convertible Corvair. Before air conditioning in cars us kids always wanted the windows down but you would only let the window be cracked so it wouldn’t blow your hair.  Memories this is all about MY memories.  My life of memories.  Happpy Easter Gummoo and PapPap.  Miss you.  P.S. It’s me who plants the flowers at the cemetery now.  Do you like them?  I know they never look like yours did. 




One thought on “MY JOURNEY WITH THE big c”

  1. What beautiful memories you have and you write of them so vividly. Of course I have no way of knowing but we must be close to the same age. May day crownings and white gloves. These are things I remember well. My grandma memories are quite different but of that era and lovely just this same.
    The notion of heaven and time travel into the memories caught my imagination. Actually the thought of time as another dimension is indeed fascinating.
    I know Easter you were sick. I hope you are feeling better today my friend.

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