Okay so I realized this is probably not going to be what I originally planned; I was gonna just write some poems and updates about my daily fuck boy encounters, but now Idk I wanna just be free to say what I please so here it goes. I am not gonna sugar coat things so if you are just gonna judge my choices I suggest exiting now.
I literally ruined so much shit in my life especially in the last 7 months and honestly I am at peace with it. There were so many boys in these past months (legit too many to remember), I didn’t do stuff with all of them but I definitely thought about it with most. My best friend doesn’t even know some probably because I didn’t care about 50% of these boys anyway. July 5th, 2015 I started talking to this boy, N, and he made me feel special but also destroyed me. I let him in thinking he was an amazing guy (holy fuck if only I knew). I was hurt for 3 months while I was with N (plus probably 2 after we broke up) and I needed to feel happy so I thought meaningless “hookups” (more or less guys that could give me attention) was the way to go (FYI I was very wrong). Anyways from September-January I slept with 5 guys, I know it’s a lot. You see the things was I needed an out from my pain and heart ache. Between all this I met this guy, A, and I thought I had gotten so lucky. Lol @ me because yes he was fucking terrific compared to the last guy but still I know I am a princess and deserve so much more than this asshole. One day A asked me if I’d meet him at the mall because he was there and really missed me, of course being “in love” I said yes. Anyways I met him there and his cousin wanted to meet me, so being the good little girlfriend I agreed and met his cousin, C. It was very quick but it was nice he wanted his family to know me. Later on A told me C thought I was too pretty to be with him (which had so many fucking problems but whatever that is another story all together). So me and A didn’t work out (funny huh, should have known) After him I hooked up with two different guys in like 3 weeks (it is still gross to me). I decided you know what I need to stop being this little dirty slut and work on me and find someone good for me. So after about a month and a half I met D (he is about 2 years younger lolol mistake #100947). He seemed pretty chill and just the type of fun outgoing guy I needed at time (still wrong). Anyways that ended because he was so immature and ignored me for like 30 hours and I am so not okay with that so I freaked out on him. Then very recently R and I started talking. He is way into me but it was super sweet. The way he looked at me or talked to me honestly made my heart melt. I tried so hard to give him a chance but you see how can I give someone my all when I can’t even give myself my all? He is great just I think it won’t be right and I have to stop hurting him. He says he needs me to stay but like I just wanna go so he can forget about me and find a girl to make him happy. Then within the last two weeks A gave C my number. because At first I was very hostile and did not want to talk to him. After a while I said fuck it and started to give this dude a chance. So on Friday night we hung out and the world stopped like legit I forgot everything and then I went out Saturday night on a “walk” (about 8:40 pm, it was already dark). And he came to pick me up and again it was the same amazing feeling. I wanna focus on me but then this boy has me kinda fucked up. Honestly just wanna figure me out.
In these last few months I have really discovered myself and major fuck boy qualities though so I guess that is something.