Time For A Change

I don’t know when you’ll read this

Or even if you ever will 

All I know is I need to live up to my name

Time For A Change….

I’m not evolving, I’m staying stuck

The more around my family I am the more I realize I act exactly the same

I use fear, threats, and emotional blackmail and I didn’t realize it

I need to change for the better, not for you, but for me

Everything keeps crashing down over and over and I don’t listen

I don’t pick up on what is the right thing to do

My brain doesn’t function like it used to so it’s even harder now

I don’t see how I affect the world around me, hurt those around me

I don’t see how I act exactly like my Mother and Grandmother until it’s too late

It will take me having to put forth conscious effort to break the cycle

That’s not the only thing I need to change

My self worth needs to change

I can no longer live for others, I need to live for myself

Others will always let me down, so I cannot choose to live for someone

Or that someone may be the reason for my demise

I need to choose life no matter how hard it gets

I get scared, when I’m alone it’s very hard and I fall into old habits

I also have abandonment issues, severe ones at that

Ones that have wounded me so deeply I latch onto anyone who gives me attention

I confuse love with attention

I force love because I am scared and feel as if someone loves me they wont leave

I confuse sex with love and always push for it

I only end up hurting myself

All of these things I realize tonight as I sit in my doped up haze

Medicated out of my mind so I can try to sleep and even then it will be hard

My mind is still trying to grasp what happened last night

I feel horrible

Not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually

I made it through one of the hardest days of my life

By praying to God for hours

I need to get back to basics… me and God

Nobody can fix me except for him, no man, no woman, no Doctor…. God is my Doctor

Only God can fix me

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