Dark Secret

Dear Skyler,

I think it’s time you know what has been going on in my life for the last 10 years. I have been struggling getting over someone I really loved. And at this point, it’s not your father-to-be. I’ve been in love….with a girl.

I was 21 when I first met her near our dorm elevator. I thought she was nothing out of the ordinary. Just like me. We were both in nursing school and were in our internship in the city at the time. We were grouped together because our last names were clustered alphabetically. The more I got to know her, the more I feel something for her. I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that I wanted to be with her everyday. I wanted to see her smile; see her laugh. And it felt really good that I was the one making her smile and laugh.

When Summer was almost over (internship happens the Summer before our last year) and we were on school break for a week before senior year, she asked me to sleep over for a week  ’cause her parents were vacationing in Hong Kong and she’s scared to be all alone. I agreed because what else can I do, right? For a week that I lived with her, I couldn’t stop myself from getting all these feels. It was when I realized that I was starting to fall in love with her.

She had this habit of wanting me to hug her when we go to sleep. I wrapped my arms around her every night and my thoughts were in a frenzy. Do I make a move? Do I NOT make a move? What is this I’m feeling? Why does this feel so GOOD, and yet so wrong? Then on one night, before I could straighten out my thoughts, she turned and faced the ceiling. I was spooning with her, but now my face was directly on her cheek. I swore she could feel me breathe heavily. I inhaled the scent of her and, oh, how she smelled really good. I closed my eyes and as I breathed out, I let out a soft moan.

She turned her head and faced me. Without opening my eyes, she gave me the deepest kiss I could never imagine any one giving me. I lost control and just went for it. We kissed like we were two long lost lovers. When we broke off, she asked what was happening. I said I had no idea and then we kissed again torridly.

When we woke up, there were no awkwardness whatsoever. We kissed each other good morning. We cuddled and we laughed. And that was when I knew that we were going to be together. In secret.

We had our ups and downs since then. Boy, did we have our ups and downs. We were both closeted and discreet. Her family were getting suspicious and she had to make a way to divert it. So, she got together with her ex boyfriend. And their relationship continued to mask ours. But I was getting really jealous. I was very uncomfortable. And hurt. Her relationship with him needed to have sexual contact to make it look legit. I couldn’t make love to her while she’s having sex with someone else. Especially, with a guy.

I tried to break it off, but I was too much in love with her that I was so stupid not to let go. I couldn’t. I felt like my world’s going to crash without her. The worst part is, she saw me feeling miserable. She knew I was hurting. But she just went on. She told me she could not hurt her family. She was willing to hurt me over and over again just so she wouldn’t be in trouble with her family. At first, I was willing to sacrifice. But it got so unbearable.

To make the long story short, she married the guy. She still texts me and wants to see me. And she says she loves me still. They have a daughter now. But I don’t know, I am moving on. I don’t want to be competing for her love and affection. She clearly ignores how I feel.

Now, I’m single and ready to take on the world. I’m still hurting, yes, but what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

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