I’m scared

I underestimated the weather today. It was sunny out, so I just wore a thin hoodie and hat, but the wind was biting and cold. I like to think it was some kind of mocking wind, like it was saying “Enjoy me now, while it’s still cold, because I’m not going to be around when the weather gets hot!”

It’s getting dark now. Not extremely dark, just sort of dim twilight dark. The wind is still yelling at me through the window. It’s knocking things over. Maybe the wind had a rough day today. Maybe it just came in from over the Atlantic and it wanted to relax, but there was a group of people on campus making lots of noise. They had speakers up and they were singing and wearing white tshirts and doing I don’t know what else since I had classes to get to. Maybe then, the wind had a temper tantrum, so it started howling because it could never get a moments rest.

So anyways. Today I saw her again. We’re in the same major, so we share two classes. I see her from a distance in my first class, and in the next one I see her up close, and we sometimes talk. Today was nice. There weren’t many other people at our table today, since not many people like the flipped classroom model. They figure they should just be learning it on their own if they are going to be in a flipped classroom. Well maybe not many. Just a third. I still think that’s many, though. But yeah, so today it was only me, her, and one other guy who I’m sort of acquainted with sitting at our table. The other guy doesn’t play games much, so I got to talk to her. We talked about league of legends, and the new champion that came out, and how she likes this champion alot. Another guy chimed in, since he also plays league of legends. She mentioned that she livestreams sometimes, like maybe once every one or two weeks. I wanted to ask her what her stream name was, so I could stop by some time. But I didn’t. I wanted to offer to play league with her, even though I’m bad and I’m barely keeping up with the whole league scene. But I didn’t. Then we talked about blade and soul, and how she got to level 25 and she didn’t play much after that. She did some pvp, and she talked about how her class doesn’t have many ways to escape. She asked me what class I play. I told her. But I wanted to tell her other things that I did in this game too. I have three characters all at level cap. I’ve hit gold rank in pvp. I wanted to tell her that if she wanted, I could help powerlevel her to hit level cap. But I didn’t. Then, class ended, and she left and we didn’t say goodbye to each other.

I don’t know why I wasn’t more open with her. I feel like that was my chance, you know? To really talk to her and make her feel good about herself and make her feel good about me. Maybe if we had talked more we would have gotten closer. Maybe she would have looked forward to seeing me in the next class, or on her livestream, or played games together.

But I didn’t talk. I let her do the talking. I let her go on about herself and her experiences.

Is that wrong? I want her to feel good. I heard somewhere that getting people to talk about themselves is a good way to make them feel good. I think she was in a good mood. But she’s always in a good mood, that’s nothing new. But looking back, I think to myself, why didn’t I talk to her more? Don’t I want to feel good? I want to feel good with her. Do I fall out of the picture if she feels good about herself? Does it make her feel better if she thinks about how we shared a conversation? It makes me feel better. Or does she not care? That I’m just another friendly guy in a sea of better choices? That’s how I feel.

She scares me. But she fills me with joy. But I’m also scared. I’m scared that if I come forward she’ll hate me, or it’ll be really awkward and we won’t talk anymore. I’m scared that if we have something to share, I’ll suffer at the hands of my parents. I’m scared she’ll suffer at the hands of her parents, I know she’s catholic. My faith is different from hers. I’m scared that if we don’t talk I’ll lose her forever, and I know people will tell me that “Oh, fish in the sea, someone else loves you” but when I think about that I wonder is that really love? Am I just being selfish then? That I just want love for myself, and I don’t care who it’s from? Does that make me a slut? And I mean that in a male sense. I’m a guy. But I’m scared. Does that make me weak? I’m scared that if we share something, later on in life she’s going to find someone else who is better than me, and trust me, I don’t doubt the chances. Then she’ll leave. And I’ll be left wondering what love is and why I can’t have it.

I’m scared I’ll find someone else. That I’ll cause her the same suffering that I’m scared of. I couldn’t live with that. I’d rather die than think of that ever happening.

I’m scared that I’ll give her all my love and then we’ll get old and she’ll die and I’ll be alone again. Or I’ll die and she’ll be left alone. I don’t want that.

I’m scared that she has all my love right now and I’m really just losing my mind because thinking about her fills me with energy and takes it away all at the same time. I’m scared that even if she has all my love, that all that I’m feeling now is just passing, that I really will find someone else and I’m just a filthy selfish slut who wants love and doesn’t care where it’s from. Some kind of hollow being who is desperately looking for a way to fill up the hollowness, and ends up filling it with garbage from the ocean or mud from someone’s backyard. A hollow being that doesn’t care if it has to steal or hate or envy or reach or search, so long as whatever it finds fills that empty hole. And what if nothing fills the hole? Then everything is empty. So if the inside is empty, there’s no substance inside, then what’s the point of having the shell?

It’s dark out now. This entry has gone on for a while. Actually, I never liked writing when the sun was up. I always think the silence and lack of light in the night is better for thinking. But I need to go to bed early today. My math professor is having class an hour and a half earlier than usual to make up for some snow days. And I can’t miss his lecture. It’s a good lecture. So thanks if you’re still here. I know it was probably tedious to get to this point. But honestly, I don’t care. I’m past the point of caring if people read this or not. I just need to write it out. Then I go back and read it to myself. And that makes me feel better. Knowing that you or other people might read this too makes me want to do it again. So thanks. I appreciate it.

Take care of yourself.

One thought on “I’m scared”

  1. It’s strange how I always seem to be coming back to your journals. Don’t you worry. Usually the truth is that when you’re alone, people notice you the most. There’s this little feeling that whatever someone is acting on the outside isn’t truly what they’re feeling on the inside. Those closest to you will notice. Don’t feel alone. There will always be someone there. Someone who wants to help you achieve accomplishments in your best interest. Love is also a weird thing. Love comes in many different forms and causes many different actions. The strangest thing is, only the person in love can understand what love is to them. Do what you want to do. Let no one decide that for you. Be honest with those you care about.

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