My Inner Thoughts

Today, like every other day I started to feel heartbroken. I have been in a relationship with my best friend of almost 5 years for 8 whole months. At first he was like the guy of my dreams like the guy that I always read about in a lot of books. I look at him in  a total different light now. I do love him it’s just that I don’t feel like he’s what I want anymore.  I’ve been through a lot in my past from being raped to suffering from depression and he doesn’t even know it.

I’ve been trying to carry the weight of his pain and mine.. I feel like I’m going to collapse very soon. I don’t feel at peace with myself. Everyday I wake up feeling angry , like I haven’t let everything from my past go. I prayed and I forgave everyone who’s ever hurt me and I even pray for their well being. I just don’t understand why I’m not happy with my life and with myself. I don’t even know what make me happy anymore and I’m ashamed of it.

 

I keep telling myself that I’ll be fine. In the back of my mind I know I need to open up to someone, but I know what being vulnerable feels like and I hate the feeling. I hate crying. I  hate asking anyone for help. Most of all I hate the feeling of someone being there for me. 

 

Honestly, I need help so that I can feel the inner peace that my mind and body needs and deserves. Any suggestions?

2 thoughts on “My Inner Thoughts”

  1. You can’t carry so much, no one can. But you are strong, believe me. That you got through so much already says a lot. I know it’s hard, but you should indeed let go of the past… Keep writing, keep smiling.

  2. All I would say is … First … I am not in your head so advise is what it is, and.. Second… Try not to mix your previous pain or disturbances into another person, especially a boyfriend. He has nothing to do with your past. I see this way too often, and what would have been quality relationships fail due to historic emotions. In this case, compartmentalizations are ok, just keep him in the loop full honesty, he can’t compensate for things he is unaware of. It is sadly common for lack of info to kill otherwise great relationships.

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP