Today, like every other day I started to feel heartbroken. I have been in a relationship with my best friend of almost 5 years for 8 whole months. At first he was like the guy of my dreams like the guy that I always read about in a lot of books. I look at him in a total different light now. I do love him it’s just that I don’t feel like he’s what I want anymore. I’ve been through a lot in my past from being raped to suffering from depression and he doesn’t even know it.
I’ve been trying to carry the weight of his pain and mine.. I feel like I’m going to collapse very soon. I don’t feel at peace with myself. Everyday I wake up feeling angry , like I haven’t let everything from my past go. I prayed and I forgave everyone who’s ever hurt me and I even pray for their well being. I just don’t understand why I’m not happy with my life and with myself. I don’t even know what make me happy anymore and I’m ashamed of it.
I keep telling myself that I’ll be fine. In the back of my mind I know I need to open up to someone, but I know what being vulnerable feels like and I hate the feeling. I hate crying. I hate asking anyone for help. Most of all I hate the feeling of someone being there for me.
Honestly, I need help so that I can feel the inner peace that my mind and body needs and deserves. Any suggestions?