It’s dark out side and it’s close to 1AM. I feel the heaviness to my eyes as I know they want to close and I fall into a deep slumber of sleep. Where my thoughts take over and I dream of fears, dreams, hopes and desires. It is then I sometimes question my very being. Who am I? Why am I here? And why is this the world I have been chosen to live?
Like some sick joke. I know every night as my eyes form tightly. And my mind falls. Thoughts creep and I am left with whatever my mind and my heart feels like I need to dream about. And like some cruel twist. Sometimes I lose myself in my dreams. Like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like the life I am living is a huge lie. A story someone had written for me and I am acting it out.
But when I awake. Sometimes I feel empty. Shallow. Like apart of myself is gone. The dream took it from me.
Maybe I never had that part of myself to begin with. No one can take something to them useless it was there’s or it was given to them. Like a stranger in this world. That is how I feel. Clueless. Faint. Distant. Cold. Shallow. Scared. And empty. I think when I look at myself in the mirror after I feel like this. My eyes are cold and empty and you see nothing but pain. That is when I know it isn’t my dreams or thoughts that take something from me. It’s all the people that have done me wrong that had taken parts of me. Chipping away at my heart till the point I do ask myself. Who am I? Some shell that use to love. That use to cAre. That use to have dreams and hope. But they have taken it all away.
I am sorry. I don’t make sense. But it’s not meant to make sense. It’s meant to confuse you. It’s meant to make you ask yourself. Who am I? Why am I here?
So who am I?
I am a strong, and yet weak person from all the people who have stolen from me. I am a mother and a daughter and a sister. I live here to raise my kids. But there is apart of my heart that is dying. It’s disappearing.
One day. I’ll ask myself who am I. And next time I’ll answer. An empty shell. A empty shell of thing and someone that use to be. Use to be something and someone before it was gone.