Crossroads

My life is such a mess, everyday is almost torture

I wake up from deep beautiful slumber to re-enter hell

Everything has been traumatic, my brain remembers it all

All the nights I spent alone in the house unable to eat solid food

All the nights I spent knocking myself out with medication

Trying to taper off medication not knowing I was dying

Now here I am, I have an amazing opportunity in front of me

I get to move into my dream apartment

I’ve wanted it for months now and finally it is mine and I can have it

But I’m afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid of the security that having someone there brings

I’m sicker than I have ever been I used to be better even last Summer

I question will me moving help? Will it help my body detox the mold?

If I move does that make me closer to my goal of getting better

Gods grace put the apartment in my hands

In some ways I feel like I should let my ex have it and let me stay in hell house

He deserves it more than I do and I want to see him happy and thriving

I wish things weren’t this way and we would’ve found it before

It’s all on His timing not ours, and he has given me the privilege to move

But what do I do? My gut tells me to move and let everything fall into place

That moving will help, that things will all workout since I will be away from toxicity

Having my own place is scary but a big accomplishment

I’ve never had my own place and now to have it this sick, it is terrifying

I just want life back again, I want to love and be loved again

If I can attract money, and an apartment so quickly I should be able to attract anything

As long as I follow and trust Him he will provide things for me

Miracles will happen if I trust in Him

My faith has waivered because I have gone through so much

My hospital stay the other day proved to me He is REAL.

I also have a lot on my mind

That beautiful blonde little one who I am supposed to live for

That I am supposed to be blessed with one day

I have to fight for myself right now though, and being so close to death is terrifying

Even my friends know I am close to death as they are worried messaging me

I’ve been here many times before though, so close to death

I usually get better once removed from my moldy situation

I also get better when I am in love, and able to give it to someone who will receive it well

I wish I had treated others better so they would want to be around me 

I wish I wasn’t so sick so they wouldn’t have abandoned me

Everything is so overwhelming right now 

I feel dizzy, sick and tired with agitation, I need to sleep more

I realize where my negative thought patterns come from the more I am around my Mom

I need to reinforce positive thoughts even when I feel like I can’t have any at all

I CAN push them away, I CAN fight this disease, I WILL live, I WILL fight harder than ever

These are all just thoughts, little snippets of what is going through my head

I’m at a crossroads in life, I just hope things get better

 

 

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