18 Going On 80

I feel old. I feel drained. I feel as if the rest of my life is expected to roll out the same way it has been for over two years now. I am with someone who mentally exhausts me. But they are my world and I love them. 

I can relate to drug addicts in the way we attach ourselves to love. Some people have a natural resistance to such substances; some people are quick to fall in love and even faster to fall out of love. It doesn’t effect them for more than a few weeks and then they are fine and are out enjoying the rest of their lives. But I can relate to true addicts, the ones that have it in their genes to become hooked on whatever alters their brain functions. I can relate in the sense that I am doing what I know is not healthy for me. I am so entirely aware that I am hurting myself more than helping myself. My addiction has torn down friendships, other relationships, and my aspirations. My addiction overall has made me a different person that I do not enjoy more than anyone else on this planet. But my addiction makes me happy and it makes me look forward to the days ahead and to the time I get to spend with it. My high is the affection I get from my boyfriend. He is my drug in the sense he gives everything to me that I need in that moment. However, long term, he is not good for me and will not help me progress.

I have never dated a truly jealous, controlling person. I am still young and I still have time to meet different people, but he is the person that in the future I will stay away from. If I ever have a daughter, and she dates someone like I am right now, I will push him away from her and never allow her to speak to or see him. People that I am dating are truly poisonous. They change you from the inside, out. They take a person who has the most carefree, giving, loving qualities and morphs them into a version of themselves.

I am dating someone who doesn’t allow me to have certain people on my social media. I say this first because this is where I have lost most of my friendships. This is where I lost the only connections I had with some people. I cannot talk to my ex’s, which in some terms I understand, though he is still allowed to talk to his child’s mother. Occasionally I get this urge to check up on my ex and see how he is doing in college and how his life is playing out. In no way does that mean I wish to get back with my ex, because that’s what is, an ex. It would be nice, however, to see how someone who had a major impact (entirely positive) on my life is doing and to show them that I hope the best and that they are doing well for themselves. 

My boyfriend gets jealous when I talk to people that are male that I am even vaguely related to. Like my brother’s best friend, for example, who I look at as just another older brother of mine that I have grown up with. But because he is male, he is considered a threat.

I am self-aware that I am not “allowed” to wear certain clothing out in public. Anything in private is okay, but if you can see my underwear or bra outline, it’s a no-go. Anything too revealing means that guys are going to look at me and it draws “bad attention”. My body is not a prize, it is a temple, no matter what kind of guy you are. My boyfriend doesn’t understand this and thinks that my body has the potential at any given moment to be someone else’s and not his.

I don’t feel comfortable making new friends because what’s the point. It’s not like I’d ever be able to hang out with someone he’s never met before. It would never be a guy, either. All they want is sex, after all. It isn’t physically possible to gain a friendship with a male unless you want a relationship. This is what my boyfriend thinks. He barely trusts any of the friends I have now that I have known for 5+ years so I doubt making new friends is worth the hassle of arguing and making time to actually get involved with my new “friend(s)”. I spend all of my free time with him.

I enjoy spending all of my free time with him, though, truthfully.

We argue about the way I act around groups of people or the way I talk. Apparently I never act like myself whenever it’s someone other than just me and him. I always feel self-conscience of the things I say to people or how I act because he’s very touchy of those things. Nine times out of ten I will say something to someone that will piss him off and it will be a huge argument.

We argue a lot. I know couples argue but we were on a streak that lasted almost two full weeks. I just remember my throat hurting a lot from that. We worked through everything, but it was the most horrible experience. We have argued about almost everything this entire universe has to offer.

We have sex but I feel like it isn’t the kind of sex that you feel loved from. He doesn’t kiss me and barely hugs me when we encounter this act. I feel like he doesn’t care how it makes me feel, he just wants to feel good for only himself. Sometimes I feel used because we usually only have sex when he wants to. I’m always down for it, or maybe I’m just never bold enough to introduce the idea on my own. He says a lot how certain things I do aren’t sexually alluring. It makes me feel very ugly inside.

I feel ugly in general. I feel fat, because I am. I’m gained over 50 pounds since we’ve been dating over two years ago. I have cellulite and stretch marks in places I never dreamed of. Some days my body feels sexy, but ninety percent of the time it doesn’t. I need to exercise and am going to the first opportunity that arises. I treat my body so horribly and I feel like that greatly affects our sex life. He used to look at me like I was so attractive and now I get nothing. My acne flares up a lot now because of how stressed out I am constantly. My hair or makeup never looks good enough anymore and my outfits seem distressed and old. Nothing surprises him anymore or allures him into me.

I am tired. I feel tired when I talk to him because I feel like so much of my energy is just going into making him stay with me. I know he doesn’t love me anymore. I just don’t know why he has held on this long.

 

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