Day 19

Day 19, nineteen days since I’ve had a drink of alcohol. 17 days since I had to be committed to a hospital from using drugs and alcohol to try and control a mental illness I’ve hidden from everyone I could. It’s been so difficult adjusting to the new medications im on and not drinking. I stood in the shower today numb and blank. I feel like i havent smiled or laughed in days. And when I did it was forced and fake. I should be happy im sober… I should be thankful im alive and didn’t kill myself with my binge drug use. But i just feel numb, like I have no idea who I am supposed to be anymore. Im just a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  I used to be the life of the party, a wild eyed gypsy with a smile that would light up the room. I would sing karaoke and dance on tables, I laughed and smiled so much my cheeks would hurt the next day. I had lots of friends and a great family. I lived an illusion for many years, outside I looked like I had the perfect life…inside i was dying…my mental illness eating away at me thoughts. I drank to cover up the negative voices, that why I did drugs, to be happy, even if it was only for a few hours, which turned into days and years of drug addiction. And now, here I am 19 days later. I want to feel better, I thought i would. I mean I was no fool to think that quitting a habit of 22 years, more than half of my life, would be easy. But I didn’t think I’d loose my smile, I thought id find it. I dont know where to turn now… So I write to no one to try and ease the urges and cravings my weak body has. 19 days… I wonder how many more i can go through. Standing in the shower.. numb to the water burning my skin, wanting to cry but the tears being held back by medication….moodstabilizers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, anxiety meds… how am i supposed to feel? because none of this feels like me. Not the me I used to be…and I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess only time will tell….today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

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