Day 19

Day 19, nineteen days since I’ve had a drink of alcohol. 17 days since I had to be committed to a hospital from using drugs and alcohol to try and control a mental illness I’ve hidden from everyone I could. It’s been so difficult adjusting to the new medications im on and not drinking. I stood in the shower today numb and blank. I feel like i havent smiled or laughed in days. And when I did it was forced and fake. I should be happy im sober… I should be thankful im alive and didn’t kill myself with my binge drug use. But i just feel numb, like I have no idea who I am supposed to be anymore. Im just a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  I used to be the life of the party, a wild eyed gypsy with a smile that would light up the room. I would sing karaoke and dance on tables, I laughed and smiled so much my cheeks would hurt the next day. I had lots of friends and a great family. I lived an illusion for many years, outside I looked like I had the perfect life…inside i was dying…my mental illness eating away at me thoughts. I drank to cover up the negative voices, that why I did drugs, to be happy, even if it was only for a few hours, which turned into days and years of drug addiction. And now, here I am 19 days later. I want to feel better, I thought i would. I mean I was no fool to think that quitting a habit of 22 years, more than half of my life, would be easy. But I didn’t think I’d loose my smile, I thought id find it. I dont know where to turn now… So I write to no one to try and ease the urges and cravings my weak body has. 19 days… I wonder how many more i can go through. Standing in the shower.. numb to the water burning my skin, wanting to cry but the tears being held back by medication….moodstabilizers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, anxiety meds… how am i supposed to feel? because none of this feels like me. Not the me I used to be…and I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess only time will tell….today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

One thought on “Day 19”

  1. You’re 19 days further than me. Hang in, we will both smile again.

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