I’m not okay.

She’s still feeling hopeless and broken. She can’t take the pain anymore She can’t think anymore, She can’t do anything, Her grades in school are dropping horrifically, Her hatred for this hell people call a “town” is getting unable to bare, and everyone She once loved is now her worst enemy including her family, her friends and her boyfriend… She doesn’t think she loves him anymore, She doesn’t think she loves anyone She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her why can’t I be how I used to be? I’m not okay something is wrong.. I miss how I used to be can I be that little girl again? PLEASE?!? I remember that girl I used to be when I was little I was such a happy energetic kid, I was quiet and shy but I didn’t have anxiety I wasn’t living in constant fear, I didn’t make a big deal out of everything, I didn’t feel anger all the time, I didn’t feel sadness out of nowhere, I wasn’t the type of kid to do bad things such as steal, shoplift, use drugs or alcohol, ditch school or skip classes, or get into fights with people, now all I do is end up in trouble I can never escape from it.. if I could go back in time to be that little girl again just for a little longer I would I miss being happy I forgot what it’s like to smile is that normal? for a 17 year old girl to forget what it’s like to smile and feel happiness? Is it normal for a 17 year old girl to be writing depression and suicidal poems or stories on the internet all alone in her room? Is it normal for 17 year old girl to hate everyone including people who love her? It is normal for a 17 year old to be locked up in her room all day and night instead of hanging out with friends or her boyfriend? Is it normal for a 17 year old girl to want to be alone all the time?.. No it’s not a 17 year girl old should be happy, enjoying life while she is still young and living life to the fullest yet she is in pain, broken on the inside begging for it to end but it doesn’t it’s only getting worse she’s fighting with all her might but she’s not a fighter. She’s to weak to fight she doesn’t want to fight anymore she’s tired of fighting she just wants to be free from it all she’s carrying on like a solider with a battle wound bleeding from every cut her body consumed. She can’t go on like this she misses who she used to be, she misses how her life was so easy and simple, she misses her deeply, I miss old myself I can’t find her anywhere where is she? where did she go? I don’t know…

Her Last Words – Just an average girl She always wore a smile She was cheerful and happy for a short while Now she’s older, things are getting colder Life’s not what she thought, she wishes someone had told her She told you she was down, you let it slip by So from then on she kept it on the inside She told herself she was alright But she was telling white lies Can’t you tell? Look at her dull eyes Tried to stop herself from crying almost every night But she knew there was no chance of feeling alright Summer came by, all she wore was long sleeves ‘Cause those cuts on her wrists were bleeding through you see She knew she was depressed, didn’t want to admit it Didn’t think she fit it, everyone seemed to miss it She carried on like a soldier with a battle wound Bleeding out from every cut her body consumed She had no friends at school, all alone she sat And if someone were to notice she would blame the cat But those cuts on her wrist, they were no mistake But no one cared enough to save her from this self hate Things were going down, never really up And here she is now stuck in this stupid rut She knew exactly what she had to do next Just stand on that chair and tie the rope around her neck She wrote a letter with her hands shaking wild “Look at me now, are you proud of your precious child?” But she knew that her parents weren’t the ones to blame It was the world that should bow down it’s head in shame She stood up on the chair and looked out at the moon Just don’t think, it’ll all be over soon The chair fell down as she took her final breath It’s all over, all gone, now she’s greeting death Her Mum walks in, she falls down to the floor And now nothing can take back what she just saw The little girl that she raised is just hanging there Her body’s pale and her face is violently bare She sees the note and unfolds it with care All she does is stare, “How can this be fair?”

She starts reading as the tears roll down her face “I’m sorry Mum but this world is just not my place I’ve tried for so long to fix this and fit in I’ve come to realise this world’s full of sin There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space I’ve got no reason to stay here with this awful race It’s a disgrace, I was misplaced Born in the wrong time, and in the wrong place It’s okay though, ’cause you’ll see me soon You’ll know when your time has come, just look at the moon As it shines bright, throughout the night And remember everyone’s facing their own fight But I can’t deal with the pain, I’m not a fighter You’ll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter So let the world know, that I died in vein Because the world around me, is the one to blame And I know in a year, you’ll forget I’m gone ‘Cause I’m not really something to be dwelled on That’s what they use to tell me, all those kids at school So I’m going by the law majority rules My presence on this earth is not needed any longer And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger You’re the best friend, that I ever had Such a shame I had to make you so very sad But just remember that you meant everything to me And to my heart, you’re the only one that held the key Now it’s time to go, I’m running out of space to write And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight I’m watching over you, from the clouds above And sending down the purest and whitest dove To watch over you, and be my helpful eye So this is it world, goodbye.”


8 thoughts on “I’m not okay.”

  1. Please dear girl, get help. See a doctor. I have been where you are. I promise you with all my heart it CAN turn around and get better again. You will have joy again, if you don’t give up. Please tell your mother how bad it is and let her get you to a doctor, you need something like anti-anxiety medication, that’s what I am on. Child, I don’t know your name or your face, but I know what I’m supposed to say to you from Jesus: “Let your light shine.” I love you.

  2. My God..what an entry.. I dont know who u are but i will pray for you to have u the strength needed to get through all of this pain. Once i was like you..i felt like you. I also wanted to die ..all these days were another torture brought daily…
    I can help u. Tell me how to contact with you. I’m experienced enough .
    Everything will be ok again, believe me.. It’s not the end!!
    You are loved and you must live for so long . we love you too :**

  3. Hey. Take care of yourself. I know you want to leave. Desperately. I wanted to leave once.

    But you know something?

    That was a nice read. You’re quite a good poet. I wouldn’t want you to leave. Why don’t you tell me another one? Tell me how you hurt. Tell all of us how you hurt.

    We’re all listening.

  4. We are listening & we care. You have a beautiful, deep, complex soul. Don’t leave, not yet. Please? The choice is yours. It will get better. I promise. Just keep going forward. Talk to some one who knows you in the physical world. Heck, if you’re interested you can text or call me. Say the word and I’ll give you my number. No judgement… just a ear that will listen… an ear that really does care about you

  5. Thank you for commenting on my journal entry, it means a lot
    it’s good to know that there are still good kind hearted people out there in the world.
    I am trying to seek help in case you’re wondering so far not much luck but I’ll keep searching.

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