Feel like something is missing. Do the same thing day in and day out. I feel like I want to be creative, but I don’t know how sometimes. I want to get that drive to do creative things, but it is missing. I am attempting to get into writing and I usually feel the drive at wrong times. I write myself notes, but I never seem to compile them into anything. I tried to get back into drawing, but I feel like it is forced and nothing good comes from it. One thing I do enjoy doing is coloring, I know it may seem childish, but to me it seems to be very therapeutic because there is no thinking involved. I try to think of something to get my mind off the underlying issue I face every day. I see all these people following their passions and doing what they feel they are meant to do. I want to be a mom. I don’t know if it has something to do with me having a shitting mother and wanting more for a child than I got.
I know some people have an issue with being alone and I used to be that person. I have lived by myself for about 5 years and I thoroughly enjoyed it, although I did find myself going out almost every night to ensure I had company. Over the years I have come to the realization that being alone gives you time to reflect on yourself, not being someone everyone wants you to be. I have thought about getting into meditation, but I feel I don’t have the time, but it comes down to me not making the time.
I keep thinking about wanting to find my passion and to start making time to pursue, but I keep going back to being a mother. I somehow feel when that happens everything else will fall into place, which is naïve to think. There have been many people I have seen once they become a mom they still search for something else to fill a void.
I need to actually work on myself and things will happen naturally. My body seems to be stubborn and refuses to ovulate on its own. I want this so bad, but I seem to not want to change my current life style, which are contradicting statements.