The day I began to fade

Today I was filling out some paperwork in one of the many Doctors offices I have to visit, and my fingers locked up on me. (It was so random and painful. It hasn’t happened in such a long time, I almost forgot about my RA.) Anyways, In those few minutes of agony I started to think about the first time I ever experienced this.

I refer to it as the day I began to fade, to die. It was the day I was “officially” diagnosed with the first of many other health problems to come, my Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was only 16 at the time.. I had been losing at least 10 pounds a week, barely eating, always swollen, and for some reason I was in constant pain from head to toe. I was a skeleton with balloon feet basically. Well, I had an appointment that morning, and I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to make it because when I awoke, I was frozen. My entire body was just locked up. I couldn’t move the slightest bit, like I was paralyzed. I honestly thought “This is it. This is how I went. I’m already dead..”. It didn’t help that every muscle and nerve in my legs were throbbing in pain and I couldn’t even move them to take a pain med.

Eventually when I relaxed enough, I was able to move again. They told me that day I had RA, and later that I only had it because I actually developed Lupus first, but for some reason they couldn’t diagnose that first!

On a February morning, I “officially” began to die.

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