Childish Jealousy

I’m jealous of the wrong person for all of the most childish reasons.

My aunt has been experiencing some pain in her bones, like I had when I first started to get sick, only it’s not as intense (so she reassures me). On Wednesday she gets her test results and we’ll find out if she has Lupus as well. I pray to god she doesn’t, because having it, I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. Is it horrible that I’m jealous of her though? A bit envious if you will…

I’m sad that she might have it, but in a way, I feel like in comparison, she’s a little lucky. She got to live most of her life before any of this. She got to enjoy her prime, hell she had a prime. I didn’t. I didn’t even get to go to prom because I was in too much pain to fucking move. A gorgeous dress and my senior year went to waste. To hell actually. My health and life are STILL deteriorating. I had to leave my dream college by the beach because I was too sick to live alone. When I thought I was getting better, I went to another school and had to leave there too because apparently I’m just a damn weakling. My aunt got to go to College and actually finish a degree before having to deal with this.

I know news like this should have a completely different effect on me, but what gets to me the most is the fact that she got to have children. It makes me sick to think that because she might have it, later in life they might too. But she got to have the joy of experiencing motherhood worry free, problem free, complication free. I don’t know why that bothers me so much, but to fucking hell it does!!

I told you, I’m jealous for the most stupid, childish reasons. Should I be ashamed? Don’t get me wrong, I’m here for her if she ever needs me, no matter what, I mean come on this lady is my aunt and I love her. I hope that this passes for her. That she doesn’t come out to have Lupus. I also pray that those beautiful cousins of mine won’t ever have to experience this either. I don’t know. I guess this is just me pitying myself like a little bitch.

2 thoughts on “Childish Jealousy”

  1. When you are in pain, it is likely to cause you to have thoughts and feelings you wouldn’t ordinarily have. I am sure you love your aunt.
    Feelings can come to us that we do not want. Ask Jesus for help. I am so sorry for the pain you have and how it has interfered with your life. I would have self-pity too if I were you. God bless you.

  2. I don’t think you should be ashamed of yourself. You just feel lonely, like you are the only one dealing with this huge problem and that nobody gets it like you do. I really hope your life is gonna get better 🙂

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