I’m jealous of the wrong person for all of the most childish reasons.
My aunt has been experiencing some pain in her bones, like I had when I first started to get sick, only it’s not as intense (so she reassures me). On Wednesday she gets her test results and we’ll find out if she has Lupus as well. I pray to god she doesn’t, because having it, I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. Is it horrible that I’m jealous of her though? A bit envious if you will…
I’m sad that she might have it, but in a way, I feel like in comparison, she’s a little lucky. She got to live most of her life before any of this. She got to enjoy her prime, hell she had a prime. I didn’t. I didn’t even get to go to prom because I was in too much pain to fucking move. A gorgeous dress and my senior year went to waste. To hell actually. My health and life are STILL deteriorating. I had to leave my dream college by the beach because I was too sick to live alone. When I thought I was getting better, I went to another school and had to leave there too because apparently I’m just a damn weakling. My aunt got to go to College and actually finish a degree before having to deal with this.
I know news like this should have a completely different effect on me, but what gets to me the most is the fact that she got to have children. It makes me sick to think that because she might have it, later in life they might too. But she got to have the joy of experiencing motherhood worry free, problem free, complication free. I don’t know why that bothers me so much, but to fucking hell it does!!
I told you, I’m jealous for the most stupid, childish reasons. Should I be ashamed? Don’t get me wrong, I’m here for her if she ever needs me, no matter what, I mean come on this lady is my aunt and I love her. I hope that this passes for her. That she doesn’t come out to have Lupus. I also pray that those beautiful cousins of mine won’t ever have to experience this either. I don’t know. I guess this is just me pitying myself like a little bitch.