Here goes nothing.

It all starts with the beeping of an alarm. 4:50 am. God can it already be that time? I swear I just closed my eyes five minutes ago. I rub my eyes and fumble for the button to end the noise that disturbs my newly found slumber. Peeling back the blankets the cold air sends chills over me. Zombie like I head for the shower. 

Day five of my 17 day diet is all I can think about. It’s all that consumes me now. Aside from gruellingly long work hours and the only thing in my world that keeps me moving forward. My daughter. My ray of sunshine in this fucked up world. 

Must move forward. Must press on. Make my morning smoothie…pack my healthy lunch. My body is feeling better but my head hasn’t changed. Step on the scale…ten pounds down. Yay. Small Victory. Although how will it be any different than any time.

Day moves on. Blurring by. 

Home at last. Yay have the weekend off. Who cares it will be spent wishing and waiting for an alcoholic husband to change. Man I’m a sad soul. Wasting my life away because I hold on to hope. 

Hold on to endless promises. Fights that turn into make up sex.

Small things that keep me happy in the moment but not long term. I guess I’ll never know what it’s truly like to be happy. I’ve given up my chance at being happy to hold what little family life we have. 

8pm husband is drunk. Blaring music. Three weeks ago I would have joined him. Drink numb the thoughts but the thought of it just all sounds so lame. I need more. Adventure, family outings, us time sober. I needed a change too bad he can’t and won’t change with me. Ugh so frustrated. Idk what is wrong with me. I just want to give up sometimes. 

So here I sit alone. Talking to no one feeling sorry for myself. I’m drowning again. I thought I was passed this but I guess I was wrong. 

 

One thought on “Here goes nothing.”

  1. You are in a difficult situation, dear girl. I wish your husband would change along with you making good changes in your life. The healthier you get the better you will feel; but it won’t change him.
    10 pounds down is wonderful! I’ve been working months to lose 10 pounds. Keep up the good work.
    Realize that Jesus loves you and let Him help you in your family situation. Ask Him for help. Bless you.

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