yourself first

Rest my body in peace

Hello again,

It’s been quite a while since i’ve written, not because i dont want to but because i’ve been busy. Busy living my life for others. It can be quite tiring. When im too tired living my life for others i let everything go and come here. this is my happy place. where i can be myself, express any thoughts i have and calm myself down.To begin, school has been very tiring. im graduating in 2 months so im just so done. I’ve had senioritis for the longest time now. but after school is done im a little worried because i feel a little lost. my whole life has been school school school. now that ill be done, what else? i mean, im still planning on going to more schooling but the school i want to apply too, i wont be able to til next spring, long story. that means one whole year off from school. I’m glad dont get me wrong, i really need a break. i do. but at the same time just feeling a little lost. Next, is the boyfriend. he’s been a jerk lately and with all kinds of other stress going on in my life, i just dont need his BS right now or ever. we are going on a bumpy road right now. what pisses me off is, we are arguing about useless things that dont even need to be argued about. we are both pretty tired of these arguments. at times i want to go on a break but i dont really believe in breaks. Then, it’s my family. too many responsibilities on my plate when i shouldnt even be responsible for more than half of them. yet everyone is lazy and dont want to take any initiatives. the older siblings act like they dont know shit, and at the end everything falls onto me. what would these people do when im no longer around? will people magically start knowing what to do and what they should have been doing all of this time? Yes, i know it sounds like im nagging and complaining about everyday life issues that everyone if not most go through, but im just so tired of everything and everyone in my life. so just let me talk for now and just listen to me is all that i ask. Finally, there’s ME. of course i always put myself last. yesterday i found a quote online and its just so perfect for me. it quotes, “that’s the problem with putting others first, you’ve taught them that come second.” SO TRUE. everyone takes advantage of me. i feel like i dont get to live my life for me. im living my life for others. I thought i was physically tired, but my manager told me that maybe im not physically but mentally tired. i think he was correct. my mental health is going down more and more as the day go by. my body is drained and i just want to put my body to rest. im so tired of making everyone happy and everything right. i feel like i have no one. im all by myself. people say they are always here for me, but really, when i need someone, no one is there to be found. but when others seek, im always there right beside them. i just want to close my eyes and keep them closed. for just a while longer…just a little longer and have no worries…i just want to rest my body in peace.

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