What is happening?

What is happening to me? I don’t know what’s going on. I feel so sad all the time. I just want to sleep or do nothing. I feel so alone! None of my friends ever come to see me, my husband works all the time. I only see him for a few minutes each day except on Sundays. The only thing keeping me sane right now are the girls. But sometimes even they can’t make me happy. Most days I just want to cry. I feel like how I used to feel back in high school. Alone and unwanted. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I am disgusted by myself when I look in the mirror. I have no self esteem and sometimes I think about going back to cutting myself to get those endorphin’s that I used to get back in high school. I don’t know what to do. I feel like such a failure in my life. A dead end job with no hope for a promotion. A husband who I think originally only married me because everyone was telling him that he had to because we had a kid together and now he feels stuck with me, to the point he would try and find girls off of Craigslist to have sex with him while I was out of town for the weekend, even though he claims that he never actually met up with any of these girls, how can I really know that he’s telling the truth? Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice by marrying him or at least staying with him for this long. He’s been good for awhile but how long will that last? I just never feel like I’m ever going to be good enough for him and that I’ll just never be enough for him. He’s always looking for something more or something better. Will his behavior ever really stop? How long can I go on pretending that I’m fine with everything that he’s ever done to me? Is it worth sticking around since he’s being good now? But what if he does it again? When is enough enough and I’ve finally had it and leave? Am I really strong enough to leave? What about the girls? He’s such a great dad but for a long time he was an absolute terrible husband, fiance, boyfriend. My insides are so confused and they feel like they’re going to explode! I get so angry for the littlest things, sometimes I get angry for no reason at all and I have to take a step back and I think hmm where the hell did this come from? All I know is that something isn’t right with me and I need to find a way to fix it before I get worse. My love for him is what pulled me out of the darkness the first time but now I feel like it’s his dishonesty and betrayal, and unfaithfulness that’s putting me right back into the darkness. I’m hoping that writing these journal passages every day will help me get through this or at least maybe help me understand what could be causing myself to fall back into this dark hole I worked so hard to pull myself out of several years ago. 

5 thoughts on “What is happening?”

  1. Please consider seeing a doctor for an anti-depressant. I am on one. I used to be so sad and heart-broken for no good reason. An anti-depressant can make a big difference. The other thing is, remember every day how much Jesus loves you, how important you are to Him. Don’t let anything make you doubt it. Believe. And ask Him for help and guidance. When you want to cut, talk to Jesus first. I wish you all the best, even better than you hope for.

  2. I am so sorry for your struggles. I use to cut but now haven’t in years. It’s a hard thing to overcome especially without a strong support system.
    Be prepared with a list of “go-to’s” so that way when you are looking for that “release” you have better options.

    You have to make choices that will make happy, and as long as you stay true to you, the rest will fall in place. Don’t ever think you aren’t good enough, talented enough, beautiful enough, cool enough, because you are all those things and more. YOU ARE ENOUGH! Surround yourself with people who value you!

  3. The best thing I have ever done to get out of a bad place was to read….. self help books changed my life.
    Also, I strongly encourage finding time to work out every day at a gym or anywhere! It releases happy chemicals in your brain (dopamine). Working out made me more positive and just a happier person. You NEED social interaction, it’ll subconsciously make you feel better.
    Find time to do things that make you happy.
    Keep writing in this journal. Its a great way of introspection.

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