Today… Well, yesterday, I decided to try to pick up Japanese again. I am using a website called “Memrise.com” to learn. It’s really easy and I’m actually retaining new information.

Anyway, the reason I decided to pick up Japanese again is because, I’m very much into the whole “living doll” thing. One of my idols is Dakota Rose (better known as Dakotakoti). She is an American girl who, through making YouTube videos, became favoured by the Japanese people and was able to become a model for one of my favourite magazines! Popteen!kotakoti

Now, here’s where it gets sad…

I’ve always wanted to be a model… But, I’m too short and I’m practically covered in acne scars… So, of course, even if I had the confidence to try to audition or whatever for a modeling agency, I would probably be rejected. I also think that it would be really cool to model in a foreign country, but unfortunately, I’ve heard that most countries don’t like African American people… I really hate being African American with all of my heart and would do almost anything to be something else. I’d give up everything I have to be pretty and have long hair…

Ever since I was able to speak and retain a memory, I’ve thought of it as a curse to be what I am. Out of all the pretty races in the world “God” chose me to be part of one that everyone seems to hate… And it makes me extremely depressed.

When I was little I used to beat and bite myself, scrape the skin off of my arms because I hate myself so much. I also used to punch myself in the head/face (which I’ve picked back up recently) and pull at my hair because I wanted it to be straight (I no longer pull at my hair because, I want it to grow…

I’m sorry if I’ve made you upset by having you guys read this… I just really needed to get this out… I’ve been so overwhelmingly upset about it that I could almost feel my insides “burning”… I’m sorry.


3 thoughts on “4/4/16”

  1. Oh cool! I want to learn Japanese too, so thanks for the website recommendation. I’ll check it out

    And you don’t have to apologize for speaking from your heart. Your entries are made for you to chose whatever you want to speak of and not have anyone stop you from doing it.

  2. Girl, your “race” is just as pretty as the others! You don’t have to hate yourself for that, I’m sure you are a pretty girl, cause everybody is. Speaking for myself, I don’t think if u were “anything else” you would be happier, I’m white and I still have a lot of issues with my body, and I’m supper skinny and I also would love to me a model, but there are things In my body that I would do anything to not have them, but if the only thing I can do is accept it, so I will.
    Embrace yourself, everybody has their ones insecurities, nobody is perfect, we have to love ourselves the way we are. Don’t hate yourself that much! Look in the mirror and see ur qualities (that I’m sure u have) and try to forget about ur flaws.
    Of course u will find one day someone who loves u the way you are and you are going to feel so confident about urself…. But try to feel confident now, and u will attract positive things ❤️ if u wanna a friend to talk to, I will be here

  3. Hi Miriam, I would just like to say that you shouldn’t be sorry for writing about what you feel! And I’m sorry that you feel this way. You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to be of another race to be beautiful–because I’m sure that you’re beautiful just the way you are!!

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