JULY 19, 2014

July 19 it’ll be two years that Victor and I have been dating. In the beginning of our relationship things were the best, that didn’t last long. The first year he was in Oklahoma for my birthday. I wasn’t very good to him. I gave him the choice to forgive or to forget all together, long story short, he chose forgive but holds in against me whenever he can. That was the week I found out I was pregnant, he thought Hayes wasn’t even his. I was so happy and told him but he was mad and accused the baby of being JH’s. After that things were never the same. I only wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel cared for. No matter what I was going through JH listened, I know he’s a piece of shit and a cheater but he was a good friend I guess you could say. After everything changed I think I loved a little less and was a lot more angry, at Victor and myself. I messed up once, and said I was sorry so many times i’ve lost count. He basically undressed my friend in front of my face with his eyes and that’s when I knew the kind of guy he was. I should have ended it then and there because since then I haven’t loved him the same way. I was pregnant for 9 months and pushed out a 8 pound baby, went through 17 hours in labor 7 hours without an epidural and 3 pushing after all of that, he couldn’t wait for me to feel a little better and the recommended time to have sex. I found out he watched porn. I felt the sexiest and strongest woman after the birth of Hayes and on top of that find porn on his phone AFTER already having sex with him. I cried for 48 hours straight after and felt so stupid. Now, I find emails from nasty ass websites. Who is he? What have I gotten myself into? I will never love him the way I did before. The worst thing is I can’t even tell anyone because they say I’m stupid for staying with him when its not even my choice. He disgusts me, I can’t even look at him. I want him in Hayes’ life but not mine. I’m in this relationship for my son because I know Victor won’t see him otherwise. Am I overreacting? All I know for sure is that I love Hayes with all my heart and he’s truly the only man i’ll ever need in my life. 

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