On My mark get set …..

I really do want to quit, I need to I need to for me. I don’t enjoy it at all really anymore, when I am doing it I start to think about what a waste of time, money,my day fuck my life. I start to think about how horrible of a person I am for doing it how all those doctors worked so hard to save my life 10 years ago and I am using again, I had Endocarditis and it was very severe I was told,”They” said my heart and lungs were covered in vegetation(sack filled with a poisonous fluid) not to mention that it is a disease that kills 10X’s then people live and more often they are so fucked up from they wish they had died. I am in almost pristine condition considering that and also I contracted Stevens Johnson another killer, I had a line of med students and physicians out my room I was told a Dr. can go an entire career and maybe see a cadaver with it much less a LIVING NON-COMATOSE case (me) I was put into a drug induced coma on day 2 due to the horrific pain, burning internally. I walked out of there and here I sit today waiting for a bed to become available so I can admit myself and I don’t know what to name it, call it…clean, sober,start to truly live, no more merely surviving not for this girl I am going to try again no fuck I am going to do it this time…I really am!


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