Yesterday, I had an all-time low breakdown.
I not only left myself feeling hopeless and forgotten, but also depressed and angry.
I let myself believe that I am stronger than anything and everything around me. For once, I was right. For far too long I have been strong, holding my feelings in until moments like yesterday happen to come armed like a bomb.
I wish I could say that I will be okay but this time, I know I won’t be.
It was a breaking point when on the way home from Planet Fitness from my husband, driving my beautiful 2012 Ford Fusion I contemplated and nearly ran head-on into an approaching tractor trailer. Not once, but twice. It wasn’t my intention to harm my Husband but rather myself.
Last night, after lying on the couch watch reruns of The Walking Dead, I admitted that I have been suicidal now for quite a while. I have thought about how it would effect every single person who does or did at one time love me. I came to realize that everyone I knew and currently know would do just fine after the grieving stage, if there was one.
I even made it as far as typing up a letter to inform my Unit Commander/Chaplain of the Army Reserves of my situation and how it is not looking to be any better than it was previously. Though when I enlisted I did not take the time to inform them of what happened previously, they have to except the fact that I only did it to have the chance to serve. I have now been enlisted for almost 5 years and I believe that is due time for me to get what I deserve.
I will present this letter next weekend when I am due to head to Fort Meade, Maryland for my annual Army Physical Fitness Test to the Chaplain or the Head of my Command Unit in hopes that they will respect my desire to get better however, I will not be able to if I am under the thought of suicide every time I drive the hour and a half, back and forth for the days I am due there.
I wish I could get better without having to perhaps alter my Military career however the chances of that happening are slim to none as of right now.
What I need now is for the Military’s support throughout the process of my betterment. I am hoping that they can either work it out amongst themselves to either allow me to terminate my contract early or allow me early entrance of the Inactive Reserves. If neither or these two options are available, I will have to find another way to reduce the risk or thought of suicide.
I am grateful to have a Husband that even when I tell him about my momentary suicidal phase, even with him in the car, he is understanding and even goes on to tell me about the things he never had to bring up yet. He is my biggest supporter and the absolute love of my life. I guarantee that if he weren’t in my car or in my life, I would have done this many years ago.