I have this amazing family, these amazing friends, basically the best support network a girl could ask for. They believe in me, they love me. They aggressively want the best for me. I love them for it.
But there is always a flip side to every coin. They unknowingly put massive pressure on me to be this woman that they see when they look at me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to strive to be that woman. But I also know who I am and its not easy to merge the two. I am a struggling single mom, working two jobs, who leads with my heart more than my head. I am selfish, self-centered, and vain. I am insecure and struggle with severe anxiety. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing 90% of the time. I am seriously winging it, parenthood, life, I’m winging it all.
They call me super rue. They tell me how proud they are. They tell me how strong and sure I am. They put these situations and opportunities in front of me with full faith that I will conquer and succeed. When I know that sometimes I won’t or can’t, that it just isn’t a good fit for me, or sometimes I’m just too afraid. But they rarely understand this. They really don’t want to. They aggressively want the best for me. They want to believe that I can accomplish all that they want for me. While I appreciate this, this can also hurt me. Their disappointment when I let them down cuts like knives, though I know thats not their intention. Sometimes I just want to drop to my knees and beg,
“Don’t put me on a pedestal! Don’t put me on a pedestal unless you are willing to catch me when I fall… Cause I’m not strong enough to fly, not yet…”
…I told you I was vain…