When I was younger, I was stupid, I was very stupid. I hated my mom, I didn’t want to listen to anyone, I was my own person! But once I turned 18 it got worse. I still lived with my mom at this point but it wasn’t working. I decided to go to Columbus and live with my grandma and aunt, which was going great. I had a good life for a little while, I had a boyfriend who I loved dearly. I lived with the family that I always wanted to live with from day one. My neighbor was a prostitute, and I wanted money so I started to talk to her about it. But things started to go down hill really quickly. See, I have always loved sex, and I was short on money at the time…I started cheating on my boyfriend with a guy who told me that he could help me make money. I lied and told him I was going to use it for College. 

  In all of this process, I finally got a few guys. I met one guy, he became my boyfriend; Jesse Baker. I was truly in love with him. But I ended up cheating with that guy I mentioned above. Once I started cheating, I just kept doing it. I cheated with the guy who said he would help me, I cheated with a guy who I considered my best friend, and on top of that I was sending texts back and forth with another guy. I know, I was not the greatest. Well before he and I even got in a relationship together I met with another guy. I gave him a blowjob for 75 bucks. He was the first and only person who ever paid me.

  I went to visit my mom one weekend around Christmas of 2013, and went to visit my uncle once I was in town. That was a mistake! I ended up giving a blow job to someone at my uncles house on Christmas Eve, and then called my boyfriend in Columbus and told him about it. Needless to say, he broke up with me on Christmas. Since I was single and had nothing to go back to Columbus for, I went back to pack all my things, and moved back in with my mom. 

  Do you remember that guy I told you about, the one who is the only guy who ever paid me? Well, I got a hold of him on my moms phone, and asked him to get me pregnant. I wanted a baby to love me;since children never stop loving their parents. I had been hurt, and left by so many people that I just couldn’t bear it anymore. He agreed and started to come see me. This is the bad part though, he was married and had a child! I know it was a stupid thing to do;let a man cheat on his wife… I couldn’t help it. I wanted a baby so much. Cory came to visit me every weekend from the end of December to early February. And I finally found out I was pregnant in mid February because my period was 2 months late. Cory and I were both ecstatic. Unfortunately we got into an argument over something that I can’t remember now, and we stopped talking. All I wanted from him was a baby, and I got it.

  I met a guy a little after I got pregnant, and we started to talk. I thought I love him too, just like I always think I love them. This time was different, he had a daughter which meant my son would have a step sister if things worked out. Well, it didn’t last long, he ended up putting his hands on me, so I broke up with him. Well then my grandma and mom were all like ” You need to get with that baby’s father so he is not raised how you were.”

  Everything went fine at first, he spoiled me, and treated me like a queen. Eventually though, I fell out of love with him. I don’t even know how, or when, it happened. I stayed with Cory for a year and three months before I finally broke up with him. This has been the hardest, and easiest process I have ever gone through. Its easy to break up with someone, all you have to do is say two words,”its over”. But when its been almost two years, and so many emotions have been involved its more difficult, and even more so when there is a child involved. Cory and I have a 16 month old son together;Zachary Eden. I love my son to death, and I would want nothing more for him, than to have his father and mother at home every day. But this can not be, since Cory and I are not on good terms right now. He put me in jail, for domestic violence because I smacked him. 

  It had been a long day anyway. Cory and I were taking a break from each other, and I went to my friends house with Zach. Well, for god only knows what reason, Cory told Trisha we stole $100 from her, which we didn’t. And that caused her and I to fight, which caused Cory and I to fight. So I told him to take me to Chipotle to meet one of my other friends because I was supposed to stay between homes with Deb and Trisha. Well, since I couldn’t stay with Trisha anymore, I had to just go to Debs. So we got to Chipotle and he asked if he could keep Zach, I stupidly told him yes and went inside the restaurant. Deb was about to get off work, and we were gonna go back to her place when my mom called me. She asked me where my son was, and I told her his dad had him. She drove me to Grove City to get Zach. I regret going in the first place.

  We got to Grove City, and I automatically went inside to get Zach. I brought him to my moms car, and for whatever reason went back in. Everyone was standing in the doorway, so I smashed through to Cory, and started to smack him, and yell at him. He called me a crazy bitch and told me I was going to go to jail, which I did. I went back outside and sat in the car, finally ready to go home, except for the fact that we had no car seat for Zach. Zach started yelling for his daddy, so I called Cory over and handed Zach to his dad. My mom told me it was a bad idea, and I told her “no I trust Cory, hes the baby’s father.” I still made a bad choice. While I was talking to my mom, Cory turned around and started walking to the front door. I hurried up and ran after him, but he had already gone inside. They all locked me out, so I stood there smacking the glass panel on the door, and finally gave up and tried to go outback and get inside, since I knew the back door wasn’t able to lock. At this point I was furious and forgot that they locked the back gate, so I couldn’t get in. So I went back around and tried to get inside again. Once I gave up for the second time, I ran to her car and started to kick in whatever I could mark up, I think I put 3 dents in one side. At this point the cops were there. They only saw me kick the car. Had they been there 5 minutes earlier, they would have saw Cory run inside with Zach, and maybe I wouldn’t be in this position.

  Its been a week, and as I’m going day by day I find it harder and harder to cope with all of this. I have such an amazing support group, and I have my son. This is all I could ask for, yet, I’m still overly depressed. I started cutting recently, Deborah told me basically it was stupid, which I agree with. I don’t know why I did it. It didn’t make me feel any better, but I liked doing it…. I am on the verge of calling Netcare again… They’ve helped me once before, maybe they can help me again. Deborah has been most amazing to me, she may not 100% understand what I am going through, but she is trying. I feel like this is a new start. A fresh start, one I’m more than willing to start over with Deborah. She just doesn’t understand how amazing she is. We have known each other for roughly six years. If my mom hadn’t told me to stop seeing her when I was younger, she and I would have been together for this whole six years. I wouldn’t have Zach, but neither Deb nor myself would have gone through all that we have.

  I know this is alot, I’m sorry. I just felt the need to write, and its helped me alot actually. I might have to keep a daily journal just to keep my mind from going crazy. I am ready to take this next few steps with my life. I know things will look up, I know God never gives more than he thinks we can handle… I can handle this. I am a strong woman, who has dealt with way worse.

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