Okay, so I know my title is a little confusing. Here’s the thing, earlier today I wrote a long journal entry. Took me about an hour to type, and edit. I published it as a public entry, and it just disappeared! I’ve looked for it everywhere, even emailed the website to see what they said. I still haven’t heard back, but basically, it seems as though it’s gone forever. Anyways, In the post I was telling you my life story. All about my family, and my life/emotions. See, I have anxiety disorder. I hate that word “disorder”, as if there’s something wrong with me. As if, every day people don’t have some sort of anxiety about SOMETHING. My anxiety is a little different than your average, nervous to talk to people, meet new people, do things in public. My anxiety is more about, feeling overwhelmed. See, my greatest ability is bottling up my emotions, and then exploding over something simple. Like, not being able to find the TV remote. This very thing has taken over my ENTIRE life. It has turned me into someone I absolutely HATE being.
I used to be this nice, quiet, sweet little girl. And, in a way I still am. But, I’ve changed somehow. And I don’t like this “new me”. This person who always seems angry or upset. And OF COURSE, I have the tendency to blame everyone else at the time of my freak out, even though I know it’s not them, it’s me. Luckily, I have enough common sense to swallow my pride and apologize for being an idiot. It’s usually my fiance who gets the worst of it. I almost always flip out on him, and blame him. I say things that I don’t mean, and I wish I could take back after I’ve said that. I’ve told him not to take it to heart, that’s it’s just the anxiety talking, I can’t control it. But let’s be honest here, who wouldn’t take these things to heart? Especially a person who doesn’t have anxiety, therefore doesn’t understand it.
See, the things is… he goes to work every single day and works super super hard to take care of me and our son. His boss is one of those inconsiderate assholes who doesn’t give a crap about his employees. Which means, my fiance is underpaid, under-appreciated and overworked. I’ve told him the best thing he can do is find another job. But, can YOU imagine leaving a job you are comfortable at, to go to one that might not work out? And then, if it doesn’t work out, he has no job at all, and no money for out family. I can’t…
Anyways, so everyday when he get’s home from work, he’s in a very “bleh” mood. I would say he’s in a bad mood, but he’s not, really. He’s just exhausted and tired from doing shitty work all day, with people who really kinda suck. But the thing is, when he comes home I’m not thinking about all the hard work he just did all day. I’m not thinking about how exhausted he must be. All I’m thinking about is the attitude he gave me for telling him to put his lunch box away, or taking his boots off. I’m thinking about how he won’t help with the baby after I spent the whole day cleaning and taking care of him. Does that make me selfish? Does that make me a terrible person?
I feel like it does, I feel like I’m a terrible person for thinking that he should help, for thinking that I deserve some help… But it’s not JUST about that. It’s about everything else PLUS that. Ya know?
See, my fiance had a fucked up childhood. His mom was a drunk, shitty person. She went to work everyday, came home and changed and then went to the bar. She didn’t buy groceries, and my fiance wasn’t old enough to get a job. He started selling drugs at school to make money to buy food. His brother was favorited over him. Whenever the school year began, his brother got all new clothes, and my fiance got his brothers hand-me-downs. They didn’t have the same size feet, so he would ask his mom if she could buy him new shoes, and she would say “ask your father”. (They were separated). But, since his brother got everything he wanted, if he didn’t want to go to their dad’s house, they didn’t. So my fiance didn’t get to see his father. Because of the way my fiance was treated, over time he started to resent his mom. He started being really rude to her. He would say things that no mother wants to hear from her child. But can you blame him? Finally he got away and lived with his father. (Which is how we met! :)) Now, I know it seems like I’m rambling on about nothing… but there’s a point to this story, I swear. See, because of this my fiance was never showed any love or affection.. Not until he started living with his father, which wasn’t until he was 16. My fiance’s mother and father have both never had successful relationships. His dad finally is in a happy relationship now, and his mother is not. Which is why, I think it’s so hard for my fiance to show love and affection in our relationship.
I always feel like an awful person for wanting him to make me feel loved. That doesn’t seem like much to most people in happy relationships, because when you’re in a happy relationship, you DO feel loved. Well, I AM in a happy relationship. It’s just that, sometimes I don’t feel loved. So am I wrong? Am I wrong for wanting to feel more from somebody that literally does not know how? Or is it just human nature? I don’t know.
But I do know this… I have told him that I’m going to leave him several times. That was wrong. I don’t want to leave, I’m not going to leave. I just say it in hopes that he will show me the love that I feel like I deserve.
I feel like I work SO hard to make everyone happy. I take care of everyone, and feel like nobody takes care of me. I feel like I’m there for everyone, and nobody is there for me? Why is that? Because I’m surrounded by different types of people. My fiance doesn’t know how to show affection because he was never shown any, and my son is a year old… He doesn’t know how to show affection! And honestly, who else is there? My mom and dad? They tell me they love me. But, that’s not the affection I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind that makes you feel wanted. The kind that makes you feel like you have a reason to be around. The kind that gives you a reason to wake up every day with a smile on your face.
I have that in a way. My fiance, and especially my son. My son is my entire life. He makes me so happy. He is my reason for living, my reason for smiling. He is my everything! And seeing the bond him and my fiance have is amazing. I guess one good thing came out of my mother in law mistreating my fiance as a kid… Because of her, my fiance has vowed to never EVER treat our son like he was treated. And he has fully kept that promise. He treats him so well, he is the best father. I am grateful for that.
Right now, I know this… I know that one day I will get back to the old me. One day, I’ll be happy again. I also know this… even though it may sound it, I’m not depressed. It’s just the anxiety talking. I’m happy. I have a good life. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy life! I just get kind of down when I’m alone.
Did I mention I’m alone right now?