A lot has been going on in two years of living alone. The first one was quite an adjustment; the second a struggle. Why? I’m not complaining and I have no regrets. I’m not turning back either, because it’s impossible. Moving forward is what anyone can and should only do.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Who am I kidding? I always do. Some people say I tend to over-analyse, which often results in hyper-vigilance and close to paranoia. Well, guess what? This is me and how I take care of myself. Not everyone can come into my Isolated Castle and just stay there. It’s what I still hold dearly, and what I still consider ‘sacred’. (Define it in any way you want.)
I’ve changed quite a lot too. For the past two years, I’ve published a book (and am still working on my second – another struggle.) I’ve been sick and well; that’s life. I’ve got new jobs which involve more writing, thankfully. (Dreams come true or still in the making?) I’ve made new and more friends than I thought I would ever have, joined clubs, travelled to places I’ve never been to before, dated (although mostly still briefly), and no longer become that girl who used to believe that she was too much of a freak for anyone to put up with. Well, even if I am still (considered) one, then so what?
Sadly, I’ve also lost a very good friend. He died last year and I didn’t get to know him very well, but he’d been more like another big brother to me – even for a very short time. May his soul rest in peace, because he is forever missed.
Living alone has its ups and downs. It’s true, there are times when you feel alone. There are also times when you just need your solitude, just to be away from people. You need your personal space, a room to breathe, or whatever you’d like to call it – to be more productive, to feel better, or even just to listen to your own, inner voice. (The last bit is of course easily understood by my fellow writers.)
There have been those who understand and accept my choices; there are those who still don’t. That’s to be expected. It’s up to them and this is my life. I may be stubborn to some people, but that’s only because I believe in what I do. I believe in my choices and the consequences I should take after that.
Just like when I say ‘no’ to what I feel is not right for me. That’s right, I’m not the type to say ‘yes’ easily. ‘Sweet-nothings’ in my ear no longer work for me. Even if you push me to do what you want me to do for you, either by name-calling or else, I’m just going to be adamant about it. ‘NO’ means ‘NO’, especially after three times. Good luck in trying to change my mind. Even if I (happen to) like you too, you still won’t get that far. Respect that.
Mark my words: you don’t want to see the day that I push back. I won’t like that either, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be hesitant if that day ever comes. (Well, hopefully not.)
I’ve also learned to decide who to trust and not. I’m thankful for all the good friends who have been around for me, taken care of me, and at the same time respected my personal space by not telling me how to live my life as if I have no idea. I don’t know how and why they still put up with me, but I’m glad they still do. I hope they always will.
Another thing that I’m still learning: you can’t always protect those you love. All that you can do is make sure that they’re okay under your care. Once they’re out of sight, you can only pray that they’ll always be safe and know how to take care of themselves – even with no one around to do that for them. If, God forbid, misfortune ever befalls them, hopefully they can take it and know how to get back on their feet.
So, here’s to hope for the better. May we all be blessed.