Day in and day out.

the suns shining. The breeze is nice. Today is all outa sorts in my head. Trying to contemplate whether I am bein lied to or not is quite exhausting emotionally. The last few days were all but terrible. It’s been a nice change that’s for sure. But after months of being told I am delusional and making things up, are these changes I see real? Or is it a manipulation tactic? It’s so hard to tell. My lust for love and the future I desire with this man keeps my hopes higher then they probably should be. But all we have is hope. All I can possibly know is that I am doing all I can. I am not making things up. I am putting my full effort into these parts of my life. Probably should be putting more effort into keeping my veins clear of the disgust that is my weeping disdain of my last two decades of inner mutilation. I need to learn to love again. Keep my focus on making myself smile and comfortable in this life I have been blessed with, disdain or not. I continuously over analyze and pick apart every move he makes in fear of feeling the pain of deceit. Have I ever found any hard evidence? No. Has my intuition been screaming things in my ears echoing thru my skull for the past two months. Yes. Although I must be aware of the fact that I am on meds because of my emotional instability. And I am a growing changing human being that is allowed to make mistakes and be suspicious and question anything life throws at me. I will be ok. I am always ok…. It’s quite late in the afternoon, so although I am not hungry, as I am never hungry. I should probably feed the overwhelming urge to put some sort of nutrition in my body. Although I like to think differently, I cannot simply live on what the needle feeds me. And I must add. I know this is a journal for my own well being but I also know that there are a couple strangers out there reading this so I feel the need to add, please don’t judge me based on your finding out I have an addiction so ugly. Please allow me the chance to share the truest parts of my self with you. For you all are my attempt At some sanity and strength in this ugly world I am struggling to remain away from. On that note. I need to go. Feed the beast the is my hunger and wash the degradation of the past two days off. And attempt to soak up some of this sunshine that will certainly be short lived. Oh how I hate this state I live in…. I really wish my desire for escape and travel would outweigh my desire for the love with this beautiful man I hold so dear so that I could maybe leave this terrible ugly city. Until later.

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