When hope is frivolous

You know when you were a kid and you felt like everyone liked you and loved you and you were normal and accepted? I have realized that that formal notion was a personal lie. Now that I am in college, I know it is hard for people to accept the way I am. How I feel. How I love. How I act. How I dress. I am just tired of searching for people that match me. No one matches, I am lighting these matches in vain, I do not have a candle that needs a light. I will throw every one out of my book onto the ground and stamp out the fire myself because I cannot and will not change my heart or values. Why should I always be the one that compromises? Stop wearing those clothes, stop talking like that, stop saying weird things, STOP BEING WEIRD. Does anyone get it? I can’t. I cannot stop myself from ruining relationships and chasing people away with my past mistakes. People do not accept my individuality easily. I try and try and try to be nice and friendly and nonchalant, but my brain says no! Don’t have a filter, don’t talk to them, don’t let it go, don’t keep quiet, say the thought that will provoke glances of discomfort and judgement. While my mind is so free and unconcerned with reality, my heart is naive and easy. This is the worst combination! Why was I created like this, a mind that does not socially conform and a heart that says yes too much. I urge myself to stop falling for people who I have to be fake in front of, and as soon as I reveal my ugly ugly soul, they run. They run so far and fast, there is no use trying to catch the merciless users. Each man that flees from me takes a bit of my love with him, and gives me a bit more hate. Soon my heart will be full of hate. I don’t know when, but it will be. If all I get from looking for love is hatred, why do I keep searching? This is simple. I need intellectual stimulation and verbal praise. It is a horrid cycle, and I know I may be a little narcissistic because my father is a sociopath and loves himself more than anyone. I inherited some of this. I will never completely hate myself. That is probably why I have hope I will find a diamond that will love me as much as I love myself. Someone who will not only not mind my disturbing chatter, but crave it. Crave me. Every aspect. Well well. We all know this will be impossible. Don’t we. Yes. Because love is a conspiracy that people let themselves be trapped in. “There is someone out there for everyone,” has not been proven. And as of now, I do not believe it is even somewhat true. So  what am I doing? Reaching for nothing.

2 thoughts on “When hope is frivolous”

  1. Hope is never frivolous my dear, never . Hope is a good thing and good things can happen. They are as random as bad things. Now as to the choices we each make as to how we dress, how we react, how we treat others…no judging here but that is up to each of us and somewhat within the realm of our control. Of course we must value our individuality. And someone out there for everybody is in my book just plain dumb, stupid and who cares? Seriously, there are probably a dozen somebodies depending on what each of us is willing to do for love and what each of us want at a given point in life. I think soulmates is romantic bullshit but that’s just me.
    Have a happy weekend my dear!

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