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isolated fool

Last night, I had a mental break down. Not once in my life have I felt this way. I always bottle my emotions, because I believe if I show emotions I become weak. I feel like I will loose control over them as they overwhelm me. I’m prone to outburst and have a temper but I never felt so much violence inside me. So much hatred I want to express. I’m shocked and thrilled for what I done. What I can do. It felt exhilarating. Only for a moment. I cried, but no tears were falling. I laughed hysterically, because what I had done and to only keep my nervousness. From a outside perspective, I looked insane. So much adrenaline was coursing through me that I couldn’t help but laugh and shake.

I am an isolated person. I exclude myself from civilized people. My family…friends. I trust no one. I keep to myself. I observe everything. I keep my thoughts to myself because my thoughts are tasteless. I’m curious. I have a tendency to manipulate. I lie. I….I don’t even know what I want in life. I feel the need to escape. I feel the need to run. Anywhere is fine, as long as I have my thoughts with me. I can only trust myself. I feel at peace in my darken thoughts. Floating into the abyss with no light to guid me. Isolation…my only friend.

Though, I’m surprised. The hatred I had stored for so long broke out of me. Those dark thoughts I kept imhiden surfaced. Now, I want to show those emotions the ones I kept at bay.

I want… To watch the world suffer.

im scared. I don’t like this part of me. I don’t want to show it. Those emotions. I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to go back. Keep those thoughts locked away and go back to being the isolated little fool.

I don’t want to be a monster

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