Where am i at? Where am i at mentally, emotionally, spiritually? I am on a womans retreat and in session today they told each of us to think about that question. I wish i had a simple answer.
I feel just emtionally fogged. I feel like there is so much going on around me that at any moment i am going to break. You know that feeling of fighting back tears ALL day. Even over stupid stuff i tear up. I know that i cant let my mind go too far into any one thing bc then it will throw me off course with everything. Im trying so hard just to keep it together.
Lately its been dealing with my husband… i always hesitate when sharing ab him in a serious way bc he is an amazing man, husband and father. I know how bad some women have it, and so i feel guilty for “complaining” about him. So let me just say, i know so much of it is my own junk. However this is the way i feel… I feel broken down. I feel like i can never do anything right. I know im scattered brain, i know i forget more things than i remember, that im emotional, have low self esteem, and can be hard to love. But damn it, i give everything my 100%. I try so hard to always do the right thing, take the high road, get organized, have everything “together”, make Jamie proud. Its always been a huge motivater for me. I want to make him happy, i want him to be proud of me and for me. I feel like he, whether intentionally or not, is always so quick to point out EVERY SINGLE time i fall short and mess things up. He has no problem with tearing me down. Most of the time its just with little smart ass comments, and to a certain point.. im ok with those, bc it can be fun to mess with each other, but that’s when there is a balance of building back up. I KNOW he loves me, but its almost like i feel like he doesnt even know why he loves me. When i sit and try to think of what does jamie love ab me, what has he complimented me on, what keeps him happy… i can only think of one thing. One…..sex….. i think other than that, im a disappointment. I think he doesnt think i can do anything right. And it doesnt matter how much i try, its not enough, or i still didn’t do it right.
I try so hard to build him up. Always pointing out specific qualites, telling him how special and unquie he is, and when he does mess up, i try to just downplay it as no big deal…
I have begun to withold my feelings from him. To shut down and isolate. When we got Matthew’s diagnosis the other day, i was really struggling… i didnt even feel like i could tell him. I felt i needed to be strong, and that i couldnt even open up to him. Feeling afraid if i did, he would be annoyed with having to listen to me or would use it against me later. Which is why i feel like im just on the verge of crying the last few weeks.
None of this problably even makes sense. I just feel so emtionally maxed out and stressed but i cant explain what specifially is causing that feeling. Its just one of those seasons in life where there isnt a major crisis and u know everything will eventually be ok, but you cant help but to feel lost and defeated.
God, Thank you for my husband, who loves me, and is a great man. Please give me guidence on how i can communicate better with him. Help me tell the difference between the enemy’s voice and your voice. The enemy’s goal is to distroy me and my marriage. For me to feel defeated and not good enough. The enemy wants me to react instead of responding. Please give me the contdol to respond with “reacting”. Knowledge to know when to hold my tongue and when to speak up. Lord, please help me know and believe that i am enough. I am the daughter of the most high king. At the same time, Lord, please show me ths areas i can improve. Help me being ths Godly wife/mom you called me to be. Thank you for giving me life, a family, and people who love me. Thank you for growing me and not giving up on me. Thank you for your uncondional love.