April 10, 2016 11:36 am

I haven’t been doing good lately. In a weird but unrelated way, everything started to go downhill the day the “break” started. I already wrote about all of the changes in medication and how my body functions were going to shit so I won’t go into that now. My heart rate and blood pressure still won’t go down no matter what I do which is sort of scaring me. My pulse is always racing.. Which is why I’m writing close to 12 in the afternoon. I literally woke up this morning just to sit up in bed and faint for no apparent reason. I just snapped out of it, but now I can’t stop throwing up. I had plans today that of course went to hell because I’m so weak in every way, going out isn’t even remotely possible. To be honest, I didn’t want to anyways. I miss you. Lame, but I’m literally just laying here looking at you’re weird selfies with the bear and ‘re-reading your journals. It gives me comfort because even though it’s only been five days going on six, I can’t take not hearing from you or knowing how your day was. I can’t take the thought of you actually enjoying this even though it was my idea. Even just one little “Hey” or a tag in a post got me through my day. I know, childish right? I’ve always said that you were my rock, my reason for wanting to actually try but I never truly realized it until now.

With all of that being said, I’m still going through with this Single For two weeks thing. The Break. ONLY because another realization I’ve come to is that it’s not YOU who will leave one day, but me. Not by choice, but unexpectedly. Unwanted by both, I’ll disappear one day, and everyone needs to get used to living in a world without me.

One thought on “April 10, 2016 11:36 am”

  1. Marie, your post is very dark and worries me. Please promise you won’t harm yourself. There is so much life ahead of you and it gets better! I know, because I went through hell too, but now I’m happy. I lean on Jesus, and ask Him for help. He will never be absent from you. Let Him be your Rock, what you count on. Please keep posting and know that people DO care.

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