Scared of what tomorrow will bring.

I am now officially entering a period of holiday leave. I have not been in work for the past three calendar months. Stress anxiety and depression. I had what I guess in old fashioned terms was a breakdown. I have been so ill. I was on suicide watch. For the first time ever I sat counting pills. Pills I never thought I would. Not that I have never been suicidal, I have several times but never pills. Pills I know are pretty much a failure. 

I thought I was well enough to go back. But the past 48 hours have me doubting that. I have been shaking and crying again. I am struggling again what if i wake like that tomorrow. What if I am not better. I can’t discuss it with anyone at the moment. And even if I do I would be shut down. Im not sure I want to wake up..

I have to. I have to fight when I don’t want to. Keep quiet when I want to scream. Smile when I want to cry. 

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