My life, My choices

Today as I was laying in bed, I decided I’m going to get a tattoo for my battle against anxiety. I don’t want to get that semi colon bologna. I want to get something meaningful. My tattoos are a way of representing who I am. I need something on my body about the biggest part of me, even if that part of me isn’t necessarily a GOOD thing…

I’ve been thinking about it for a while… Have you ever heard of the author Tami Hoag? She writes a book called Dark Horse, the last sentence in the book says “and the chaos within me found balance”. That’s what I want to get. Because it is completely true, and could not be a more accurate depiction of what’s happened. 

My anxiety is the biggest part of my life. It has changed me in so many ways, and is definitely my biggest journey of all. I haven’t exactly overcome my anxiety, but I have come a very long way. I’ve learned how to manage it a lot better. One of my biggest accomplishments is no longer being embarrassed about it. I can openly tell people… “Yes, I do see a psychiatrist. Yes, I do have anxiety. And yes, I am getting help.” Some people look at you like you’re crazy, or even sick, and some people feel bad for you. But the really good people, are the people who say “good for you” and are proud of you for trying to overcome something so hard to get through.

Have you ever met those people who insist that anxiety isn’t even a real disorder? That, it’s not a legit thing? That you’re just looking for attention? That’s how my mother in law is. She is probably one of the biggest stressers in my life, and in my fiance’s life. No wait… let me take that back. She isn’t ‘probably one of the biggest stressers’… She is DEFINITELY one of the biggest stressers in our lives. I hate how people say “If you want to eliminate stress in your life, eliminate the people who stress you out most” … As if it’s SO easy. I am completely in love with my fiance. We have a beautiful family and we are happy. I’m not going to leave him just because his mother stresses me out. Easier said than done.

One of the most difficult things to do, I’ve learned… Is trying to explain to someone what exactly, anxiety is. Especially someone who doesn’t have anxiety. The way I explain it to my fiance, who is afraid of the dentist, is this… “Ya know that feeling you get when you have to go to the dentist? Imagine feeling that way almost 24/7… Imagine feeling nervous, sick, shaky, overwhelmed, claustrophobic, and more, all at one time, ALL the time. It’s emotionally exhausting!” He does his best to understand, but it’s nearly impossible to understand, when you can’t physically feel it. Ya know?

So anyways… The reason for this post was to tell you about my tattoo, and once again… I’ve rambled on about nothing for too long. The reason I decided that it was finally time to get my tattoo, was because… this weekend, I had 1 anxiety attack. I usually get roughly 3 attacks PER DAY. This weekend, TWO WHOLE DAYS, I had only ONE anxiety attack! That is AMAZING! And, the best part about it is that I was in complete control. The attack was about my fiance’s mother, and our house, per usual… and while I was having it, we just happened to be moving a new couch into our living room. Instead of running upstairs, and isolating myself in my bedroom, and crying… I used my adrenaline to help me move the couch. I took the energy from my anxiety attack, and used it where it would be useful! I have NEVER done that before! 

I know to most, this seems ridiculous.. like, “why is she so excited about moving a couch?” But, it’s so much more than that! My fiance is the one who made me realize it… I went to grab the couch and my fiance’s father said “Isn’t that heavy? I can get it.”, and my fiance answered him for me and said “She’s all annoyed, and hyped up. She’s got it”. It was great!

So, I’m sure this post seems like nothing to most.. But this weekend was definitely a step up for me, and I’m proud… “and the chaos within me found balance“.

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