Why is this so hard…

As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m on the verge of crying. I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I go to school 4 years ago when I first got out of high school? Why didn’t I push myself?

Don’t get me wrong.. I love my life. I love that I get to stay home every day and I love being able to watch my baby grow… But, I just feel like this isn’t the life I always wanted. I always told myself, I was going to be successful. I told myself I’d go to college and get a job that makes me money so that I can lead the life I always dreamed of… The life I still dream of… Now I’m sitting here kicking myself in the ass for not going to college. 

I know, I know… everyone always says it’s never too late to go back to school. But isn’t it? I don’t have childcare. I don’t have a babysitter. And the closest school to me that has the program I want to go for is a 45 minute drive, with no traffic… Not to mention, how do I leave my child with someone else for the next 2 years while I go off to better my education? I’ll miss everything! I can’t let someone else watch him grow up… that’s my job. I’m his mommy. How could I do that to myself? And more importantly, how could I do that to him?

There are too many reasons why it just can’t work…

  1. No money for childcare/Nobody to watch the baby while I go to school everyday.
  2. No money for gas to get back and forth… especially with a 45-60 minute drive every day.
  3. I would miss out on so many parts of my baby boy’s life.
  4. I don’t even have a reliable enough car!
  5. I wouldn’t be able to have another baby in the next year, like I’ve always wanted to do.
  6. I would be spending a lot less time with my fiance… which would really put a weight on our relationship… which we really do not need.

Yet the pro’s of going to school are…

  1. I could better my education in doing something that I really enjoy.
  2. I could have money to help my husband with bills, and help support our family. And have money for things I’ve always really wanted (a new vehicle).
  3. I could get away from my retched mother in law more often.
  4. It would probably be really good for me and my anxiety to get out of the house and meet new people.

This is all because my stupid mother in law told me that I’m the reason we have no money… Thanks a lot, you (insert mean word here).

I just wish it were more easily accessible to me, and didn’t put me in such a bad mood thinking about it. I’m honestly just filled with so much regret about not going to school. Which, in turn makes me feel like a bad person for feeling regret because I enjoy my life with my baby boy so much <3

Why is this so hard…

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