52

Fighting. Fighting. Fighting…… To keep from contacting L. I had another steamy dream. This time I was with him. For certain he was an unbelievable lover. So when it comes down to it – it is the purely physical that I miss. There was a certain amount of emotional attachment, but it was not the deep, sustainable kind. And now that I think about it, there were parts of this particular dream in which he was not considerate of me. He was not abusive in any way. Just self centered. I believe that if I had made the colossal mistake of dropping everything I have and running off with him – oh yes it crossed my mind more than a few times – it would have turned out disastrous. For everyone. Most especially my kids. Oh I fantasize about it still. I’m human. A 51 year old healthy heterosexual female human. Of course I fantasize! My fantasy life with him is reckless and carefree. Riding his Harley everywhere and anywhere our hearts desire. OK – get your head out of your ass mama! The point of me writing here is to kick my ass back to reality – not get lost in lala land!

And this is my reality – God I adore my children! I truly do. Their crazy little lives are moving at the speed of light. I don’t want to miss it.

S started a new med today. Fingers crossed that this is the one to help him manage his struggles. He was a little withdrawn this morning on our way to school.  I don’t like that. But it goes with the growing up territory. What was going thru his little mind? Could have been anything – the girl he has a crush on – or it could have been the WWE.  By contrast, D last night started a conversation about transgender people. Talk about moving at the speed of light! It was a good conversation – looked at all sides of it. Oh the world these kids are growing up in! H and I both remarked afterward that we couldn’t imagine ever having such a conversation with our parents when we were her age.  She’s so mature and yet still my little girl.

Old pup is doing ok today. He couldn’t keep his dinner down last night and I got very sad about that. I held him and talked with him for a while. I thanked him for his years of companionship. We’ll see how they next few days go, but I fear that it may be his time.

Namaste to you all.

3 thoughts on “52”

  1. You are wise to pay close attention to your darling children—they do grow up SO fast and then it’s still good but not the same as when they were little. I hope your doggie will be okay. Bless you.

  2. Love you! Your openess and honesty and damn isn’t life, love and lust so damned complicated! Sounds like I may not be the only woman to have a weakness for those bad boys…peace sis

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