Day 30

30 days, thirty days and not a drop of alcohol has touched my lips, or altered my mind. Thirty days of feeling like my world is ending, having anxiety attacks because I used drugs and alcohol to mask these demons. I am mentally ill, I’ve known for years, I am diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. big words with unknown meaning. I know i have little to no control over my emotions. I go from immensly happy and smiling to enraged and crying in the course of an hour or minutes sometimes. I know my family fears for me, most of my freinds have witnessed an episode or two. But they dont really know. They dont truly understand how everyday I battle my thoughts to get out of bed, they dont know how it feels to have your mind work against you. And how you would give anything to just make the voices stop and so you turn to anything that will. Drugs? Ive done them all, weed, coke, meth, crack, acid, mushrooms… alcohol? beer, whiskey, wine, vodka, pick my poison…. and they would offer a temporary fix to the voices, a distraction to the real me inside. they offered a mask to the rest of the World while inside I was dying. IM still dying. I dont know if I will ever find true happiness. Which is sad because I have many things to be happy about. I dont feel like normal people do… I shrink from affection if Im not drunk or high. My mother can not hug me without having me stiffen up in some weird contortion of stress. Thats not normal! I love my family I do, but I have put them through more than anyone should have to endure. And im trying, Im really trying to live this sober life, but I am lost. I dont know who I am or who Im supposed to try and be. I feel like I havent smiled in days, is it the medications im on? or because IM not drinking or drugging? I used to smile, I laughed alot. I have hundreds of pictures taken randomly at bars all over my huge smile radiating while dancing and singing with friends. But I was told I wasn’t happy then. Funny, I felt happy. Now…i just feel numb… 

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