I’ve been pretty good at ignoring my pain. It’s almost easier to over-pack my life full of stuff and not actually deal with what is such deeply-rooted hurt. The hurt doesn’t overwhelm me as often anymore. It’s not crying everyday before bed anymore. It’s a worse, physical and emotional pain. Something is different in me. No matter how happy I try to be on the outside, it always breaks down. Things are never truly 100% okay anymore. There’s something always slightly off, and it really sucks. I hate the pain. I hate not being 100%. I hate how there’s always something off within me.
I hate how much I cried during your fake-ness. I hate how I truly lived and suffered through something that was a lie for you. Why was I the victim of your messed up lie? Not that I would ever wish this hurt on anyone else, but why me? Why did you do it? Your own dad died of cancer, why would you fake it but worse? How messed up do you have to be to fake serious, terminal cancer? To fake comas? To mess with my life like that? To purposely upset me? How did you continue knowing how deeply it made me hurt and affect my life? No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to make it make sense. And I’ve tried. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I’m truly getting so sick of the pain and the tears. I’m trying to work through it all, but the wounds won’t seem to heal. There’s just too much. Why did there have to be too much? To this day, something will pop into my head and remind me of how messed up things were. I’ll think of things I hadn’t remembered or considered, and I’ll be confused all over again… You don’t even know what I’m going through. You don’t even care. You don’t even know how much I suffered going through it all, just to find out it was all fake, and then have to suffer more. How can someone that says they love someone do that? I know that’s not love… But I just don’t even understand how you can be that messed up.
I know that I told you to never talk to me again, but sometimes I wish you would just message me. I wish you would show that you still thought about me. Here I am suffering and trying to trudge through the ridiculously deep mess you left me in. And you just have no idea and don’t even seem to even think about me. Did destroying me make you happy? What did I ever do to you? I did nothing but support you, be there for you. I did nothing but put my life on hold for you. I put you, your needs, feelings and well-being above mine every single day. Why did you treat me like that? It just makes no sense. Even 4 months later, it still just makes no sense.
What I really don’t get is how my heart isn’t a cold stone. I’ve been put through so much in my life, how is my heart still soft, giving and loving? Shouldn’t it no longer see any good in people? Shouldn’t I be reserved and unwilling to share anything with anyone? My Christian therapist says that’s an amazing trait. That she can’t believe that despite everything you and so many other put me through, how I still love, care and trust people and how I feel no anger towards them. I never really thought of it, but I guess it’s valid. I just didn’t know that was out of the ordinary. She asked me why I thought I was able to do so and why I had the ability to still see the best in people and such. And I really don’t know why me. I have no idea why it’s me and no one else. I have no idea what makes me so different from the others. I wish I did. But I don’t. I know it’s a good thing, but part of me wishes I saw the worst in people. I wish I didn’t trust anyone. I wish I seemed more upset. I wish I kept myself away from everyone. Maybe I wouldn’t get hurt like I do now. Maybe I’d be more protected from those.
Every single day I act like everything is okay. I don’t want anyone knowing I’m not. Plus, with how busy I keep myself, it’s easier to not even have time to think about anything. But I know that’s fairly counterproductive to healing. Holding it all in fixes absolutely nothing. And I need things to be fixed. Luckily (or unluckily) my life frees up a lot in a week and a half. So, I’ll have more time to sit and process and think and such. I know it will help, but it also scares me at the same time. Maybe there’s things hidden for a reason. Maybe things shouldn’t be dealt with. Maybe it should just say hidden away and is better that way. It just scares me a little bit, not knowing what is in there deep down. I truly have no idea.
There’s just so much on my mind tonight. So much to say, so much to think, so much to try and process. Maybe this is why suppressing is so much easier.. I just don’t even know what to say anymore. Maybe things just need to end here for now. I’m so exhausted. So jumbled.