As I sit here typing, I feel this love and hate at the same time. I would not say hate but rather despair… for myself. I just discovered this community today and I just spent the last hour reading other posts and all of a sudden, I feel this connection. I feel the need to write now. I use to write alot. I did classify myself as a writer. Albeit, not any sort of professional writer however when I wrote, I use to do it as an art with passion and happiness. Even on my worst day, I poured my inner beauty on paper because that was the only place that had my trust. I lost my will to write because of life’s duties however I am finding it again. I want to say a little about myself. I will not tell my life’s story as it is too long however I can tell you something.
I am happy. I walk to work at the daycare and tell myself how happy I am to have a wonderful job. I am happy to be in school. I am an undergrad studying Human Development and hopefully getting my licence to counsel in the near future. I am happy I have a family who loves me, bestfriends who are always there for me and a boyfriend who cares about me.
However, I am sad. I feel I am alone. My family, friends, and boyfriend are in a different city, I regret looking in the mirror or any reflection for that matter, I have built up guilt that I cannot shake and I most definitely do not have the best mentality when it comes to life changing decisions. I ponder on an idea that will hurt everyone and I see it as the perfect way to improve my life. I do not follow through however due to my lack of will power. That same will power that put me in this situation in the first place.
I have a whole back story like everyone else. I am not special. I have my reasons why I do what I do, why I am the way I am. It was easy to change when I did not want to however it is harder to change when I need to. As I write, this backstory will reveal itself in pieces. My life is a puzzle. It all fits together. As I write, maybe that girl in the mirror will become recognizable. I am 20 years old. I have found this girl only one time in my life. It was very recent in fact and in a blink of an eye, she was gone and I have yet to find her. It makes me wonder did she exist in the first place. As I write, maybe you can help me find her. I am not sure if this is a simple request for your help or an actual cry for help. I assume since I don’t know, the need to find her is more important than what I originally thought.