If a stranger were to have witnessed my last night and this morning they would have thought it was the day of my wedding the way I prepared for my exciting Plans that were not far away. And I know it probably sounds excessive even to compare me especially to that of bride to be on her Big Day but considering my track record with making empty promises to people it was a big deal for me to not only follow through on something but also to go to sleep believing I would follow through (and at a reasonable hour I might add). Of course she texted me before driving to my house to make sure I was still in a good frame of mind, as I was expecting. It was gratifying to be able to respond back with good news that, YES… at least for today, I am coming and momentarily not the worst friend you have. 🙂
I was able to come up with $160 (which I’m reluctant to elaborate on for now) so I was determined to use this money to ensure she has a good time because as a new Mommy and the added pressure of having to take care of her own….erm, difficult and needy Mommy she hasn’t had a lot of carefree days where she didn’t need to worry about paying for and taking care of everyone else.
Background Info: She and I have been friends since our first year in preschool. We grew up living only a street apart and after taking her to and from school everyday because her mother has always been fairly difficult and needy we became close once. By the end of preschool this girl felt like a sister to me and though we were among a group of 6 girls who hung out because our mothers hung out, it was always her and I who held the strongest connection to each other. We attended the same schools, sold girl scout cookies together, found out gymnastics, dance, and theater are not for us together, suffered through talent shows under the direction of my mom together and as a result we were about to watch each other grow into ourselves. Then in 2011 when I met a boy whose big smile, slight Georgia accent, and ability to make me laugh melted my heart (as well as my IQ) I became consumed. He was 26 years old at the time and I was just 19 and with no real experience in the real world like he had I trusted him. His nonchalant demeanor towards getting high and extensive knowledge about the world of drugs led me to perceive him as what I thought to be a normal guy with maybe a more taboo take on having a little fun. Looking back I know I overlooked more than a few red flags because I felt such a connection between us but regardless of what I thought, I ultimately gave myself the mental “OK” to take a chance in his world. He wasn’t injecting heroin or smoking crack and so compared to snorting some pills that doctors prescribe, it was no big deal….
What I’m getting at is once I made the choice to become the protégé of an experienced junkie I became a different person. I pulled away from family, friends, and anything that had once been a part of my identity–including the main subject of today’s entry.
So this was a big day for me. She and her beautiful new baby girl (who happens to share a birthday with me ^_^) picked me up and from 9:30am – 3:30pm we hung out together without a single moment of tension, discomfort, or awkward silence. Six entire hours only made possible thanks to resources used universally like polite, good-natured, conversation and infallible plans to have lunch and browse the mall. It’s hard to bring up harbored resentments and hurt feelings when you are in the baby clothes section with a new baby. Actually, I’m fairly certain it’s impossible.
I would love to say the day ended there. That I quit while I was ahead by going to sleep to avoid an opportunity to fuck it up, but that is just not my life unfortunately. It was probably about 4 minutes after I got home that my neighbor walked over (Puerto Rican, 32, though he speaks very little english, it did not deter us from finding a mutal ground in drugs when we formally met about 2 weeks prior) and asked me if my guy was good because he couldn’t get anything, and his back was hurting, and he really needed something, oh! and he would buy me something….
Truthfully I had $100 left from the $160 so I didn’t even plan on helping me out but because I had taken the suboxone that morning and I couldn’t even hold the pills and ice til tomorrow when I could actually feel them more, I ended up helping me shortly after so I could feed into my irrational addict desire for more, more, more…
I’m not sure whether today is a success or failure.
Maybe tomorrow will have more potential