Although today’s success in sobriety can be directly attributed to an inability to generate the ‘support’ needed to fund my cause, I still would like to think that my choosing to accept defeat and take a suboxone rather than perhaps…I don’t know, rob a bank or something… speaks for an unconscious desire of mine to appease those that love me and find a better way to live. Regardless of how it happened, I’m still happy that not only did I give up the fight, at least for today, but I made something of today that left me feeling good enough about myself to keep this positive momentum going. Starting with actually having PLANS TOMORROW ! To clarify- these are not like the typical plans I make to save face in the moment knowing all the while the likelihood I’ll flake out when whatever mission I’m on at the time to get high becomes a schedule conflict. Nope this is me for real planning a social excursion for the second consecutive day in a row that (at least for the moment) I really believe I will not back out on. ^_^
***[though it would not be the first time I set myself up for an emotion-fueled display by a friend or loved one consistent of mostly of yelling (them), banging on my locked front door (them) and repeatedly ignored phone calls and texts (by me) while I literally hide under the blanket on my bed until whomever I’ve disappointed finally remembers that situations like this are why I’m reguarded an unreliable, self centered junkie and just lowers any future expectations for me as they give up and leave. Though hopefully I can pull myself together tomorrow if I start to panic and avoided the humiliation and blow to my self esteem that comes along with that whole mess.. lol… ]
But to be less vague about today’s circumstances; instead of spending the entire day alone in my house, high or even dopesick, and drowning myself in icecream and misery like I usually do, a slightly less powerful need inside me as a human being to be apart of resulted in me sucking it up, allowing the suboxone to do its job for once, and for the first time in a while getting outside of myself to help a friend I’ve had my whole life with something really important to her that nobody else is helping her with. Which was a sublime experience in comparison to any other moment of my life in the past 4 or so years.
And I know it’s probably gross to admit but today I actually showered…..and went outside…and did SOMETHING that had nothing to do with getting money, or drugs, or that revolved around myself really at all. And believe it or not the world did not come crashing down around me despite what my fucked up brain has led me to believe in the past when all the drugs are all gone. 🙂
And with that being said:
Here’s to feeling the same way about life without narcotics tomorrow!