Enough can be enough, right?

I guess I don’t know when to quit. I guess I don’t know how to look at a situation that is so toxic and so damaging to me as a person, and walk away. When is enough, just that, enough? 

I’ve written earlier about how I truly don’t think love is or can ever be enough, but I feel like I am allowing it to be. I am allowing my love for a person to deplete me as a person. Allow me to drop my standards and my happiness just to be loved. The funny thing is, is that everyone thinks I am going back for fear of being alone. I am not scared of being alone, I love being alone. But what I think I am scared of is not being able to love again, or be loved again. My entire entity was put into one person, something you are expected to do while in a relationship, and that person used my vulnerability and ignorance against me {and they still fucking do it}. 

The funny thing is, is I am not as oblivious as everyone thinks I am. I know what he says to her, what he says to his friends and what he says to me. But if I am not this “convenience”, then what is the point of playing with my emotions too? Why can’t enough be enough for him too? You see the person you “love” falling apart, dying fighting for you, and you could care less. Shouldn’t that be enough for me to say, “Fuck you.” and be done? 

The thing is, is I am too weak to walk away now. To look towards the future and say to myself “You deserve so much more then this man is offering you.” Because if someone really loved you, they wouldn’t do this. They wouldn’t make you a convenience, they wouldn’t lie, they wouldn’t cheat. They couldn’t bare to hear your cries of help, see you physically depleting and continue the pain. 

The thing is, enough is enough because this isn’t real. This is me living in a false reality of what “love” is when it is convenient for someone else. Is that fair? No, but it will never be too much… Because in fear I stay, in fear of him 100% choosing me I can’t leave. Because I am so in love with someone who isn’t, that should be enough but things change. And maybe one day I can be enough for him to stay. 

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