Drowning in thoughts

It’s 10:56PM.

And in stead of doing my English essay, I’m awake and very tried drowning in my thoughts. Literally. I find it hard at night, To not think about everything shitty that happens in my life. I don’t know why, But it happens. The thing i always find myself mostly thinking about, Is my girlfriend. Yes, If you’re reading this i am female dating another female. I’m bisexual. And i’m bisexual because i think that love shouldn’t be a certain gender. It should be whatever gender you fall in love with. Anyways, Off topic. I just wanted to make that clear. The reason i always find myself getting sad thinking about my girlfriend is because i know she CAN do better. Just because i know i’m not the most beautiful, stunning, skinny, girl out there. Hell, I’m a walking potato. A ugly one too. So it goes through my mind every night when she texts me “What are you doing beautiful” or “goodnight princess”, Why did she pick me.. Because out of all the flawless girls out there, She picked me.. I know it sounds ungrateful to be saying this.. But i really don’t know why she picked me when she could have an amazing girl that is beautiful, doesn’t have depression, low self esteem, anxiety, ect… I have a huge fear, Maybe she felt sorry for me.. Or maybe she just needed someone and i was around… Or maybe it’s my personality that could be some what fun on good days.. I have been wanting to ask her, What’s so special about me, That you wanted me… But i haven’t really had the balls to do it. Because i’m honestly scared she’ll take it the wrong way.. I don’t want to lose her over silly thoughts because this is my first real relationship in a long time. I haven’t had a real one that lasted quite a while in months… Anyways, I just really hope she picked me, For me… And i hope maybe one day she will love me.. I just can’t help but feel so negative of myself while in relationships… There goes my low self esteem acting up again.

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