Decisions to make at hand, and not knowing the right answer is always difficult. If someone loves you, they won’t put you through hell daily. They won’t continue to do things that they know effect you in negative ways… They don’t continue to choose people who shouldn’t be chosen, and yet he still continues to choose both. The funny thing is, is I have a pretty good idea of my worth now, and I know that this shouldn’t be a decision that he needs to make. The answer is simple, and for some reason I have put him in charge. He is both the dealer and the player, and I am just a card in his hand waiting to be played.
The funny thing is, is that I am okay with it. I am okay being an option because I justify it in my mind by saying that I am the card he is choosing to play the majority of the time. But what about the other times? When he chooses her and I just sit there in silence and awe at the fact that someone could continue to kill and resuscitate the woman that he “loves”. But in reality, I don’t think he knows what love is anymore, or ever for that matter, and I think I am just forever a card in his hand waiting to be played.
I need to slow down, reevaluate, look at the progress that I made without the person that made me an option everyday. Every damn fucking day I was an option, a convenience. Why the hell would I desire that for my future, why can’t I just say “I love you, but I need to let you go,” because even after he left he still continued to make me an option and hurt me constantly. How stupid can I be? I am a card in his game. The card that he is hiding for when he can use it to its best possibility for a win, and I’m okay with that. I’m pathetic, and I will never allow myself to heal.