Nothing left

Well I never thought that my first entry would be public and yet here we are. Someone has to know my story. I have to tell somebody but I cant talk to a therapist. I don’t trust people. I don’t trust telling strangers my story. Everyone always leaves. Everyone. Anywhere from a few months or 2 years. They leave. I’m that person that people leave. I can’t talk to friends about it much because they don’t seem to understand. I don’t talk to my family. But I have to do something or it will eat me alive.

To make this part short I’ve been with this guy for two years now. There’s a lot of history even before we were together. And I couldn’t even begin to explain it all. Mainly a lot of bullshit. But for some unknown reason it feels like we’re connected and maybe that’s just me. Anyways as of yesterday I found out that our entire two year relationship was a lie. Nothing but a lie. He never wanted anything. Never really loved me. He led me on believing all of it was real. And it was real to me. But I guess it wasn’t for him. He says it was but I don’t believe it. How could I? All of the “I love yous” and all the promises were just lies. Wanna know the really fucked up part? I found out from his ex. Yup. He was never going to tell me. But he confirmed that everything she said was true. The other fucked up part is that they never stopped talking through out our relationship. Even though he told me they had. Again he lied. She admitted to me that they talk about getting back together every few months. Every. Few. Months. He tried to deny that until I showed him the messages. It was all a lie. And I’m having a really hard time trying to understand how you can do that to another person. How can you be so heartless to someone like that? Wanna know what else he said? That he never thought about how it would affect me. About what this would do to us. Everything hurts. I would like to try and work this out because I do love him but I don’t see how we can. I don’t think that’s possible. I just don’t see anyway how but I can’t loose him. But I can’t go back to how it was before all of this. Before we were together. There’s too much that has happened. I don’t know what to do but I do know that it’s never going to be the same.

I guess the real reason why I’m writing this is because I’m afraid I’m going to go back to my old ways. And I honestly believe that if I do it will kill me. I need some kind of release from this. And this is probably one of the safest things that I could do. The pain is just too real. But it hurts because it mattered. I really thought that I was done looking. That I had found the one I could see having a future with. That everything that I had been through was worth it because I was done. That has all been taken away and I’m left with nothing. I don’t really know what I was hoping to gain from this if anything at all. But that is a part of my story. And now someone knows.

S.

2 thoughts on “Nothing left”

  1. I’d like to thank you for the kindness and support you left me on my first entry by doing the same for you. I recently suffered a massive melt down and was seriously considering hospitalization or therapy, but refused both simply on the grounds that I didn’t feel like it was a safe option for myself. I don’t trust people either, as much as I don’t trust myself.

    But please, you deserve to live your life to its full potential, uninhibited and unrestrained. And that guy, while he meant everything to you, didn’t feel the same. And it’s hard, but it just means that he was dead weight. You’re free of that, it’s done. You didn’t need him. He isn’t holding you back from finding true, genuine happiness anymore. That’s a step, and a very good step. It’ll hurt like hell, but once the aches and pains subside, that freedom will feel so rewarding. The next one is seeing a therapist. Whenever you can, whenever you feel safe to, you can see a professional and they can help you point out other stones around your neck that you can cut loose. And they can also help you recover from the strain and stress years of carrying all of that by yourself can do. Take your time, take it at your own pace. I’m doing that, as well. I look forward to a day where both of you have a “first trip to the doctor’s” entry, and eventually a “in good health and state of mind,” entry, too.

  2. Thank you. To be honest I had forgotten about this. You’re right I don’t need him. And while I’m still struggling I can say that I am better then I was. Thank you for taking the time to read what I had to say and for reaching out. Sometimes it’s nice to know that someone else out there feels the same as you.

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