So I was not expecting to write today however something happened that I just need to open up about. I was running to get my food to go from my dining hall, as I normally do, to avoid socializing. I, however failed, and spotted a good friend of mine. Part of me wanted to run and hide. It is always the easiest choice however that is not who I am. I will say hi even though I am aware of what will happen next. I approach my friend whom I will call Al and instantly he told me to have dinner with him and our other friend whom I shall call Jay. I tried to think up an excuse that does not include studying which has been my excuse for three months now. Nothing came to my mind so I sat with them. It started with the three of us. They were catching me up on everything I missed with their personal lives and all was ok until I told him I became really good at hiding my feelings. He then looks at me and tells me he can see the sadness in my eyes. Other people began showing up at the table and he instantly dropped the subject however I could not.
I looked to my left where Al and Jay were discussing the latest rumors. I look to my right to see two of my other friends discuss their situation with the language I could not understand. As I sat in the middle keeping my eyes on my food, I began to feel this feeling I have not felt in a long time. True sadness. I pondered over my “sad eyes” and I could not figure out why I feel this sadness. It suddenly hit me. As more and more people began approaching the table, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable and I realized that due to me being alone for so many months, this was the first time I was around so many of my friends at once. They were not strangers. I could not simple look the other way. I had to socialize. I have to be apart of the system. I began to feel my anxiety return and I ended up leaving. I am happy and sad. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy saying what I please and doing what I wish without the fear of condemnation. I enjoy spending hours of my time in my thoughts. I enjoy not having to engage in small talk because frankly, no one knows me. No one knows who I am. Not even my bestfriend whom I refer to as my sister. I am still trying to figure out who I am and everyday, it becomes easier without society pushing their views down my throat. Everyday, it becomes easier without have to worry about pleasing my family or being like my friends. Everyday, it becomes easier to find that missing girl in the mirror and with a little more time, I will find her.
I am sad. I am sad that I can’t be who I really am without fear. I am sad that the real girl in the mirror has to hide from everyone including herself. So there will always be sadness in my eyes. I use to put on a mask to hide them. I even created this new face all together to change them however, that new face soon crumbled and disappeared. I am sad but one day I will be happy. I will see Al years from now and he will tell me I have happiness in my eyes and I will then look in the mirror and say thank you for coming back. I will feel like I am living life, not just surviving. I will be me.