everything is shit and life has no meaning.

im so angry with myself right now.
oscar and i got into a big fight. i got really drunk and blacked out. and now he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 days. i hate this. i blame myself completely. i dont know what i said or what i did and he’s the only way of knowing. and here i am stuck in this shitty waiting period.
i think he might break up with me.
i think im overreacting.
BUT WHAT KIND OF MAN IGNORES HIS GIRLFRIEND FOR 2 DAYS?
he knows its driving me insane.
he knows i havent been able to smile since saturday night.
he knows this. he’s doing this intentionally to hurt me.
or is he just legit mad at me? and honestly just can’t handle talking to me right now?
he’s probably going to break up with me.
probably.
definitely.
….maybe?

anyway.
im ALSO mad at myself because i ate tonight. last week i started a pretty strict diet and it was all going so well. i lost like 4 pounds within the first week but then saturday night i got SHITFACED and binged and gained it all back and then some.
So i started again today and did fine. then i was bored and couldnt sleep (and was desperately racking my brain about oscar and my current relationship status) and i got so upset i made myself a big plate of nachos and ate the entire thing.
great.
FUCKING GREAT.
FUCKING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BULLSHIT ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKING GREAT.
i think thats part of the reason oscar and i are having problems.
i cant tell if its because he’s unattracted to me because i’ve gained 35 pounds or if I’m just so insecure because of my weight gain that i’ve become paranoid and i assume it?
who knows.
life is shit.
i will never smile again.

and yes, i am probably being dramatic.
hopefully tomorrow i’ll make another entry saying that we made up and everything is golden.
but…for right now.
i feel like being dramatic and drowning in my sorrows.
i feel like making shitty metaphors and crappy poetry.
my pain is dripping from the walls. the sun is shining so brightly ALL DAY but my heart is the coldest its ever been.
FUCK.
THIS.
f
u
c
k
t
h
i
s
.

done.

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