Life is NOT a cycle

I often forget how to learn. I realized that in grade school, I followed a cycle for 13 years. I bought my new school clothes and school supplies, I start school, I follow there routine for the year, and I have my summers off. For summer, I either stay with my mom or visit my dad. It was nothing new. I have never been in a relationship, I had relatively the same group of friends and I was independent at home. It was not until I started college when I began to explore new territory. I was so use to my routine that it became my life. I was never worried when a problem arose because chances are, I experienced it before or something similar.

Once college started, it was trial and error. I made my first bank account and did not know I had a limited number of transactions and got charged. I moved 3 hours away from my family and had to deal with my problems for the most part by myself. I got my first job that I did not like at all. I had to learn to not only study (which I never did before) but maintain work and classes as well.

Then came my second year of college. I found a sense of peace. I was enjoying life and I made tons of friends (despite me being an introvert). I got a new job and I am solving problems on my own. Even though I lost that sense of peace, I still love my job. I got myself on health insurance. I got into my first relationship and I am loaning my family money since I now have the means to do it. And to be completely honest? It scares me. Everything I have been doing scares me because I do not know what will happen.

I am a routine type person. Life never through me surprises. Now that is all I get. I hate making decisions. I do not like it. I follow directions and rules. That was me growing up but now I am an adult. I have to overcome my fear of messing up. I fear what I ruin will never be fixed. I have to do things that requires me to overcome my anxiety or to even be an extrovert for a while. I have to be prepared for what happens and I have to make my decisions and deal with the consequences. I always imagined my life like what I saw on T.V and although it never was like that, the concept of it was. Starting high school, joining clubs, going to PROM. I had an idea of what was to come next. Life after high school, however, is not as cut and dry as I thought…or as I had hoped. Do not get me wrong, there are plenty of good surprises but there are alot of bad or even risky ones as well. 

Life is beautiful. Life is scary. Life is not routine at all. It was easy for it to be when I was younger. I had little to no say in what I do however now it is all on me. I have to be prepared. I have to be responsible. I have to live life with all of its hidden corners. The blindfold I never wore in my adolescents years has now been specially made for me and I have to embrace it or fight it. Either way, I cannot take it off. 

3 thoughts on “Life is NOT a cycle”

  1. My fiance and I bought our first home when we were both 20. Within a year, someone three states away stole my fiance’s identity and depleted all of our savings. Our bank didn’t alert us. We continued to make purchases. Each time, pulling over draft fees of $29. Long story short, we almost lost the house and ended up like $1,000 in debt with all the late fees and over draft fees (which is a lot, for such a low-income family like us.) It was a nightmare, overdrawing is the worst. Congratulations on pulling yourself up and coming to a financially secure part of your life! That’s one heck of an accomplishment.

    I never thought I’d miss high school, but you’re right. There was a structure to it, it was a comfortable cycle of sleep, eat, study, repeat. Adulting is the worst. It’s a whirlwind that comes at you all of a sudden, and you either learn to fly or fall straight on your face. Learn to roll when you land and be flexible, it’ll soften the blow. Because apparently, the only time you’ll ever feel solid ground beneath you from this point on is when you hit it when you fall. And they call it “rock bottom,” for a reason. It’s hard, and it hurts. I can’t say you ever get used to it. Nearly 4 years later and my head is still spinning and I still don’t know which way is up. Good luck, and good work so far!

  2. Thank you for sharing that and I am sorry for what happened. Also thank you for the advice. At this point, I should be prepared for everything. I can get through it though. Just fall and get back up. Thats life.

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