It’s so difficult to try and act normal in front of all your work colleagues and friends (generally people that you also live with) in front of your ex (the guy your still madly in love with) i try not to talk to him or even look at him because every time i do i just want to hug him and love him and bed him! but i just sit there and try to stick a smile on my face and be polite which i think i’m doing pretty well. I wish my brain would take over my heart and i could stop thinking that he is going to magically turn around and say ‘i’m so sorry i left you and iv’e made the worst mistake in my life, can we please get back together because i realize i’m still so in love with you’… yeah right. So i just go home and work out until i’m sore so i can try and make myself good enough for me because i clearly wasn’t good enough for him.
It still hurts so much, it still doesn’t feel real to me, i thought you were going to be different, you were kind and thoughtful, you never said nasty things to me and you never laid a finger on me you were so different. You knew all the things i went through and you still stuck by me. Now the trust has been broken again, i feel broken, i am broken. He was cruel to me and he never loved me but you… i thought you were different. I started to like my self again, have fun again, trust again, i didn’t feel scared any more Now you’ve thrown me away. You are the love of my life and it physically hurts and i can’t think about you without crying and feeling ashamed of myself. You were perfect to me, you are perfect to me. I want to be perfect for you. How could you build me up again and then knock me back down. I love you.
If only we didn’t have to feel so pathetic and desperate all the time that would help.