shattered-by-truth

How Could You?

It’s so hard. It’s the little things. It’s being on a roadtrip and driving through where I believe you live and having a mini panic attack and being paranoid of seeing or running into you. It’s thinking about you and the hurt when I hear a song. It’s having a memory pop into my head. It’s feeling numb. It’s not knowing what to think. It’s thinking you’re finally moving on but going to counseling appointments and breaking down so badly. Why can’t I break up like that at home? What triggers me there? 

I don’t it affect my life, but that’s part of the problem. I’m just too good at living and moving on. But truly, I haven’t moved on. I can ignore it, but that doesn’t mean I’m over it. And I’m sure as heck not over it. 

There’s all these songs about not wishing you unhappiness. And though I don’t with that on you, part of me does. Because atleast if you are unhappy, that means what you did had even some affect on you. That the unimaginable hell you put me through wasn’t just a game to you. That I actually meant something, that you actually feel bad. Because it almost makes me feel worse knowing you may just not give a shit for what you did to me. And that sucks. It sucks so much…

The song says right now that Love is War. I know that what we had wasn’t love. But, I think it was more of a terrorist attack than war. War is 2 sided with defense. Slaughtering, yes, but some sort of defense. I was attacked. Blindsided. I trusted you, I cared about you, I loved you… And you intentionally destroyed my life. No matter how long it’s been, I still cannot understand that. I don’t understand how you purposely put people through that… 

The mental image of your face haunts me. Yet comforts. Yet it makes my heart hurt. I don’t even think there are words for how I feel. I truly don’t. People say I’m so strong, they say they couldn’t do what I do. But they truly have no idea what I go through. They say I’m a warrior. But how am I a warrior? Battlewound, maybe. Broken is more like it. I sure as heck don’t feel like it. Stronger than I’ve ever been? Maybe, but I don’t feel like it. You may never be able to hurt me again, but I’m still hurting from before… I’ll never be the same. Why did you have to make me this way? I don’t want to be this way, at all. I truly don’t. I want the old me back. But I know that won’t happen. 

I know you’re nothing but a liar. I know you’ve probably never told a lick of the truth. But I just wish I’d have gotten closure. Maybe just a sincere apology. But, you gave me nothing. You just left. The ‘closure’ was all lies. 

You broke me over and over. You pushed me to the edge time and time again. How can I ever trust anyone ever again not to do the same? You toyed with my emotions over and over. Honestly, I still don’t think I believe it. I really don’t think I’ve even wrapped my head around it. It’s just so hard to even imagine. I still just don’t get it. It’s just so hard because part of me misses you. Well, the person I thought you were, and what we had. I truly do. I miss the good things sometimes. But then I remember what happened and I never want to see or hear from you ever again. But at the same time, hearing from you means you were thinking about me. After everything, especially everything you did to me, after a year of being together. How can you not think of me? Thinking of it all just makes my heart hurt… 

My brain and feelings are just all over the place. I feel like a never-ending bouncy ball bouncing off all sorts of walls. How about I just don’t feel for a little while. I wish that were possible. I just need to stop for now. I just need to cry and fall asleep. Sleep helps, sometimes. 

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